New Reality TV Shows

So You Think You Can Prance
Watching the cast of Broadways Shrek perform on the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade perform I noticed how the chap that was playing Shrek was acting...flamboyant. Of course the character of Shrek isn't flambouyant, then it hit me! These actors have no outlet to express their ragingly flambouyant side and so it comes through in the otherwise masculine characters that they play. This creates a need. So You Think You Can Prance is a brutal competition that matches flourescent latex body suits with FLAMING dance moves and song lyrics.



America's Next Top Orphan
Lets face it, most parents think that they have the worst teenager in the world. This show allows them to prove it. The Mother and Father who win this competition are compensated when their children become a legal ward of the state.



Chopped
Ever wonder what happens to those infidels who aren't picked by bin Laden to be suicide pilots? This competition pits the strongest Al-Quida men against one another in an effort to become the clan's main eunich. Brutal competitions and withstanding the temptations of the Shah's heram will earn the lucky winner a date with the scalpel. There is no greater honor than becoming the next top eunich!



Dancing with the Lepers
This competition pits washed up celebrities against time. The winner of this dance competition once again claims fame and glory, but can they win before their partner falls apart? Arms and legs will fall off, noses will decay, and hips will break as real life lepers join their celebrity dance partners in "Dancing...with the Lepers"



Top Hobo Chef
It's always amazing what homeless people pass for a decent meal. Old chili, dead rats, Burger King! Top Hobo Chef rewards the Hobo who can create the best meal from the garbage they find on the street. Dumpster diving never sounded so delicious!

Marketing Advice for the Catholic Church

On every street corner there are new churches popping up daily so much so that churches with traditionally strong congregations are losing their members to other faiths. One in particular is the Roman Catholic Church who recently reported a fifteen percent decline in Mass attendance. As a marketing guru I'd have to say that the Holy Mother Church has lost touch with the younger Christian. For centuries now they've kept things pretty stale aside from the Priest/Paritioner sodomy allegations, when Pope John Paul II ripped up a picture of Sinead O'Conner when he guest hosted Live with Regis and Kelly, and when the current Pope challenged Dr. Phil to a cage match at a UFC fundraiser event. So here are some suggestions for the Church to spice things up and increase their membership...

1. You Need More Patron Saints!

Time was when the Holy Mother Church would add other religion's dieties as Patron Saints to convince other congregations to join the Catholic flock but there hasn't been a new Patron Saint added in years. Here are my suggestions for new Patron Saints:

• The Patron Saint of Supervillains: this would include The Joker, Lex Luthor, Magneto, and Cher.


• The Patron Saint of Sunday Afternoon Football. This Saint would earn you an extra rosary bead (shaped like a football of course) and would grant forgiveness when you skip mass in favor of the Colts-Patriots Game or the Super Bowl.


• The Patron Saint of Fast Food Forgiveness. This one is handy for those who fall off the bandwagon and eat a cheeseburger when they're supposed to be dieting.


• The Patron Saint of Electoral Forgiveness. Let's face it we've all done things we're not proud of...how many people would like to earn forgiveness for voting Obama? This is a no brainer.


• The Patron Saint of Guilt...although they may have this one already. Sometimes we get too comfortable and realize we haven't experienced guilt in some time. A Patron Saint of Guilt would help cure us of that.


• The Patron Saint of Reality TV. Sometimes it helps to have a Patron Saint to ask special graces from when we really want DaQwam to win Project Runway.


• The Patron Saint of Credit Card Debt. Did you just spend next months rent buying a Nintendo Wii on your nearly maxed out Visa? Getting that funny feeling like maybe you shouldn't have? Well, this Patron Saint is perfect to ask forgiveness from. While she won't lower your interest rate (which is currently sitting at 21% APR) she will lower your chances of buyers remorse!

2. Use your Patron Saints to your advantage and create a new Role Playing Game

The basis of this is simple, you want to appeal to the marketing holy trinity: College students, the morbidly obese, and Homosexuals. Both morbidly obese men and college students love role playing games: Magic the gathering, Dungeons and Dragons, Pokemon, etc. Why not take all of your Patron Saints and assign them special energy and stamina points and powers and then put them on a deck of cards and...the rest practically writes itself! Have special tournaments before each mass and then you've got converts!

I can see it now "My Saint Argus of Hippo takes 20 transsubstantiation points and wipes out your Patron Saint of Armed Aggression card!"

3. Spice up that Mass service!

Would it be so bad to let the enthusiastic black ladies shout out an "Amen" or a "Praise Jesus" once in a while? And would it kill you to let elderly women drop their walkers and fall to the ground rolling around, mumbling jibberish thinking they've been overcome by the Holy Spirit? You're losing way too many black people to Pentacostal Churches, let them Brothers and Sisters get roudy!

4. Change the look of the Rosary Beads

Rosary Beads just aren't that stylish to wear around town (unless you're a country singer from the Bible Belt) so why not make them more like the 80's charm bracelets? Each Patron Saint would have a specific bead shaped like the thing they represent. The Patron Saint of Fast Food Forgiveness, for example, could have a cheeseburger charm as her bead. You get the idea!

5. Create an on-line confessional

Remember Ask Jeeves, the search engine from years back? Well what if Catholic Members could look up their sins through an on-line confessional called "Ask Saint Anthony" and it would tell them what Patron Saint to pray to for forgiveness, how many Hail Mary's to do, or if they want to shortcut all that "Ask Saint Anthony" would let them use their Pay Pal account to make a sin offering. Then it could be linked to the persons Facebook page or Twitter account to let their friends and family know what sin they were just absolved from.

Creepy Pete and the birth of the Zoo

Creepy Pete then and now

Up the road from where I work is the friendliest team of salespeople I've ever met. They work at Harts gas station and while their job isn't particularly glamorous they're always enthusiastic, personable, and friendly.

Creepy Pete is the front runner of this team of stellar sales associates. Creepy Pete's in his sixties. He's tall, balding, bespectacled, and always has his top two shirt buttons undone. Creeping up over his shirt collar is a bushy main of graying chest hair- he has more chest hair creeping up over his shirt collar than most people have on their entire body (there's a good chance he's growing it out to donate to locks of love...). But that's not why we call him Creepy Pete. He's got that twangy, nice-guy-up-the-street-who-is-really-friendly-but-kinda-creepy style and sometimes words fly out of his mouth that make you turn and stare at him in awe like "I'm not sure if that really came out of your mouth...and I'm not sure if I should laugh or squirm in discomfort." He got the name Creepy Pete when one day we went into Harts on a break. At the cash register my friend asked me if I was going to get a Pepsi, I told him I was giving up cafffeine. Creepy Pete chimed in "I'd rather you give up sex than caffeine. I can't make money off sex habits, but I can make money off caffeine habits." We both looked at him baffled and gave a perfunctory smile, then walked out. My friend went ghostly white. From then on he became known as Creepy Pete. Sometimes we walk in and he's totally normal, sometimes we walk in and he'll squawk like a bird in our direction or make some off-hand comment. I've wondered how a person like Creepy Pete got his start in a lucrative career such as working as a Sales Attendent at a gas station in American Fork Utah...since I don't know, I've made it up. What follows is Creepy Pete's Back Story:

Creepy Pete: The historical contributions of a weirdo
The turn of the 19th century brought an exciting era of prosperity, innovation, and sexually transmitted diseases to America (The std's have no part in this story but I don't feel we can ignore that they existed so...). All around the nation new arenas for entertainment were being devised daily. One in particular was the world-renowned "Coney Island" in New York. In May of 1903 Mr. Zooloco Broslowski bartered the services of his 7 year old son Pete to pay for his wiskey habit to the famed but cruel Master of the Coney Island Freak Show, Igor Radmanovich.

Mr. Radmanovich was a brutal perfectionist who put Pete in charge of cleaning the circus freak's cages. Although he loved the circus freaks he took care of, Pete was miserable. His master, Igor, would beat him severally with his wooden cane if he left even one of the bearded lady's feeding dishes dirty, or didn't pick up every peice of the circus midget's poop. After the park closed and his master had passed out with a bottle of cognac in hand, Pete would play bridge with the midgets (although he later admitted they were stinking filthy cheats), horse-whip the Bearded lady to keep her emitting testosterone, and practice his yodelling with Aquaman. He greatly enjoyed his alone time after Igor passed out and would dream of escaping with his friends and going into business himself.

One night Pete woke his friends shortly after Igor passed out. He gathered all of the freaks together and told them he had devised a plan for them to leave their wicked master and go into business themselves (all except for Aquaman, with whom he had been at enmity after Aquaman tried to harpoon him at the Halloween Party). They all agreed to Pete's plan, hopped into the back of Igor's hauling truck and drove away. They continued to drive until at last the truck broke down. They named the little place where they landed Omaha, Nebraska which, in Circus Midget tongue, means "dumpy flat land that normal people wouldn't move to to save their lives". Here, they decided, is where they would start their new lives and gain great fortune. They named their new show the "Zoo" after Pete's alcoholic father. They set up paddocks for each of the circus freaks where people could adore them, they set up booths for the kiddies to play games, and invented snack foods to sell at their new "concession stands." One treat Pete was particularly proud of was his Greasy Spearchucker, a treat that took an ordinary stick of butter and deep fried it (later the name was changed when it was determined the name "spearchucker" was a racial slur).
At first only the local "Indians" would come to their show-- they loved watching the white man make a fool of himself. While most of the circus freaks were too afraid to confront the Indian's harrassment (it is common knowledge that Indians turn into werewolfs at midnight much the same way Chinese men turn into tigers at midnight) the bearded lady wasn't afraid. One day as they approached her paddock, the young Indian boys started throwing their Greasy Spearchuckers at her. The bearded lady withstood their abuse for a few minutes before she stopped in the middle of her yodelling routine, jumped down from her stage and bit clean through one of the Indian boy's calf muscles and dragged him back to her feeding area and devoured him.
News of the bearded ladies actions spread and there was some worry about the safety of Pete's zoo and Pete decided he'd have to build cages for his freaks to keep his visitors safe. As time passed his zoo became more and more popular, not because of his circus freaks, but because of the potential threat of dangerous creatures behind bars. As the years passed Pete's zoo continued to grow. More and more people developed Zoo's of their own to showcase their circus freaks and enjoyed great prosperity...until the 60's. The hippy movement brought with it the notion by some radicals that caging human-like creatures was unethical.
Over time Pete slowly replaced his circus freaks with exotic animals, but it came at a cost. Pete believed the heart and soul of a zoo lied in showcasing weirdo circus freaks. Although the new animals were interesting to look at, they didn't compare to the circus freaks to Pete. He soon left the Zoo business to pursue his first love "Gas Station Attendancy" where he has worked ever since. While most don't know he was the founder of the modern zoo, every now and then he lets out a squawk at a random customer, or say some raunchy thing he learned from the bearded woman- and he gets a gleam in his eye, and a tear trickles down his cheek for his old friends.

Twilight- From Edward's Point of View

The multi-million copy selling book Twilight takes readers through the experiences of teenaged love and angst from the point of view of a young woman named Bella Swan. While many teenage girls swoon over their story and themselves become delusional enough to seek out their own vampire lover--Bella's supposed "boyfriend" Edward Cullen recently set the record straight when he wrote what really happened on their first date.

Isabella Swan: [to Edward] I know what you are. You're impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is... pale white, and ice cold. your eyes change color. and sometimes you speak like like your from a different time. you never eat or drink any thing. you don't go into the sunlight.

Isabella Swan: How old are you?

Edward Cullen: Seventeen.

Isabella Swan: How long have you been seventeen?

Edward Cullen: ...a while.

Isabella Swan: I know what you are.

Edward Cullen: Say it, out loud say it.

Isabella Swan: Vampire...

Edward Cullen: Wait, what? No, no I'm a UPS Delivery Driver.

Isabella Swan: I'm not afraid. You can trust me with your secret. I'm sure that my feminine neck odors turn you on and yet make you want to drink my blood. I bet you can't control yourself sometimes when you're around me because you want so bad to sink you're fangs into my neck. I bet I'm you're own personal heroin.

Edward Cullen: Whoa, wait a second. No...no I'm a delivery driver for UPS. No- see that's the reason we don't eat or drink anything--so that we can travel great distances and not have to stop to rest or eat. And the reason why I'm icy cold is because I have poor circulation. You know that. By the way, who says "I'm your heroin"on a first date? Who does that? Like what? I'm going to inject you and...stand on a corner all night screaming at invisible ninjas?

Isabella Swan: Oh don't play coy with me Edward. I love you, I love you in spite of the fact that you probably feel really bad that you're a cold blooded killer--a monster!

Edward Cullen: Oh wow!

Isabella Swan: It's the reason why you're eyes change color.

Edward Cullen: Wait! They only did that because you flashed a red laser pointer in them in biology class!

Isabella Swan: The reason why you ran really quick to save me when that van almost ran into me.

Edward Cullen: No, no that van actually hit you. You were in a coma for like 9 months. Wait, you seriously don't remember that?

Isabella Swan: It's the reason why you're skin is like beautiful diamonds when reflected in the sun.

Edward Cullen: That was sweat. I just got done running up this hill to show you my fast delivery driver skills. Wow. You're-you're kinda crazier than I expected and...

Isabella Swan: It's how you manage to watch me sleep every night and I see you briefly then when I blink--you're gone!

Edward Cullen: Uh- I'm gonna leave now. Not that this wasn't fun or anything but... There's that biology assignment that's due so...(slowly backs away)

Isabella Swan: Oh Edward! I want to be yours forever. Bite me Edward, bite me and I'll be your immortal bride!

Edward Cullen: So I'm going to go now and...this was fun! So thanks for...it's just that I've got to go and...you're crazy...so....(runs away at a sprint looking over his shoulder to make sure she's not following him)

Mr Cullen continues "that chick was seriously crazy. I mean sure she was cute so I asked her out but...dang. Vampire? Wow, that chick was messed up man. She read so many romance novels in high school, I don't think she new reality from her stories. Plus she kind of had this...body odor problem, that's why I gagged the first time she stepped in front of that fan. It was epic! Wow! That's all I can say."

The noble act of Family Protection

Quote From "Family Guy"
Petey: Hi, Im Petey the Pistol! Say, do you ever get lonely?
Boy: Yes...
Petey: Me too... Hold me.
If you squeeze me, I make bad people go away!

**It should be noted that I personally don't have a problem with gun ownership at all. I do however get a chuckle from people saying that the only reason they own a gun is for family protection which, afterall, is silly nonsense**
The Birth of a Nation: Protecting Her Citizens
In that eventful year of 1776, after our Founding Fathers had defeated the British and had driven them back across the pond, they saw fit to draft articles of beliefs to outline their new freedoms. In their infinite foresight the Founding Fathers saw it necessary to declare that every man, woman, and child has one universal and inalienable right: The right to take a weapon of uncontrollable power and blow the hell out of thy enemies.
Our Founding Fathers knew even then that this right would lead to greater harmony in the world, would restore safety to impoverished areas of the country(so-called slums like Chicago, Compton, and Manhattan), and never be used for evil, never to take unjust advantage of another human being, and most of all never to be used for criminal purposes.

This week we salute you, the Second Amendment!
Gun owners come in all shapes and sizes. Big ones, small ones. Manly ones, feminine ones. Middle class gun owners, and Mullet sporting redneck gun-toting NRA wacko's who thought Charleton Heston was President of "these here United States" from the 1950's til 2006.
Some gun owners like to spend their time at a secure shooting range and others like to "shoot out back da trailer with der baby mama while the young'ins watch their daddy use a semi to blow holes in the ol' family Buick." And while there is much diversity between those who own guns there is one universal code that all gun owners use to defend their noble right to own a gun: "To Protect My Family."

Gun Safety Rules:
1. A gun should always be stored in a safe, secure place. Preferably on a tall shelf or closet out of reach from small children.
2. Guns should be kept in a gun safe.
3. Optimally you should have a trigger lock on your gun.
4. Guns should never be left loaded when not in use.
5. Bullets for the gun should be kept completely separate from the gun and also in a high secure place.


Because intruders respect gun safety rules and would never want you to disobey any of them, they will invariably follow a set of guidelines when attempting to rob you or place your family in danger necessitating use of your gun. This will happen in one of two ways:

Scenario 1: A friendly reminder
Dear Mr. Anderson,
My name is John and I am "emailing" you today to tell you that tomorrow night at 2 a.m. I will be breaking into your house using the second window to the right on the east side of your house. I thought I'd let you know before hand so that you can make sure that your gun is unlocked, that you've loaded bullets into it, and are ready for me. I may stop to get a sandwich first before so lets make it 2-2:40. I am really looking forward to stealing your family's valuables lol :)

Yours in Armed Aggression,
John Eggert


Scenario 2: Common Courtesy
Scene: The scene is inside a 2-story home in the middle of the night. A man and his wife are sleeping in their bed while down the hall their 2 children are asleep in their rooms. Outside the house a man dressed in black removes the screen to the master bedroom window and is able to pull the window open and climb into the room. This noise startles the man and his wife awake. The man turns on the lamp. The intruder pulls out a gun.
Intruder: Where are the valuables? Give 'em to me or I'll shoot you!
Man: Now you just wait one second sir, you can't speak to me that way. I'm a gun owner. Would you mind giving me a second to arm myself. I bought a gun just for these circumstances, and I'll be darned if you're not going to let me use it.
Intruder: Well, okay. But hurry up, the bus comes in 15 minutes and I can't miss it. My shift at McDonalds starts in half an hour.
Man: Oh sure. Yes, well give me just a second. Now, lets see. Oh there's a stepping stool. (to intruder) We keep our gun on the top shelf of our closet so that our kids can't get to it as easy.
Intruder: Well obviously. There's nothing more important than safe gun practices. You never want kids getting harmed, it hurts getting shot... You know, it's nice to see that some folks still take gun safety seriously.
Man: Give me just one second. (Pulls the stepping stool to the closet and pulls down a case and sets it on the bed.) Now lets see, honey where did I put that key for the lock?
Wife: (to intruder) He loses everything. I swear, he'd lose his head if it weren't attached. Dear, it's in the top left dresser drawer under your favorite pair of black socks
Man: Oh,that's right. (pulls open the drawer. takes the key. unlocks the safe) Now this will just take a moment. (to intruder)Hey, while you're waiting, would you like the Misses to make you a cup of hot cocoa? She makes a mean cocoa.
Intruder: No, I've really got to get going. Can't you hurry?
Man: Oh I do apologize. Now are you sure you wouldn't like to go next door to the Anderson's, maybe you could rob them first and come back? John's just got a big promotion so I'm sure they've got some good stuff. I just hate to waste your time.
Wife: (to intruder)Will you listen to him, honestly, he's always trying to get people to shoot the neighbor. What a character!
Intruder: Oh I wish I had time for that, but I do have that bus to catch.
Man: Would it help if I were to drive you to the bus stop after we're done here? I'd be more than willing to.
Intruder: No, no, no. Don't be silly, I wouldn't want to be a burden.
Man: Yes I'm almost ready for you. Okay, now where's the key to my trigger lock? Hmm...
Wife: Honey, you left it in your blue coveralls. Remember you used your keys earlier when you were out in the garage?
Man: Oh, here they are (unlocks the trigger)
Intruder: Are you ready now?
Man: Now hang on a second sir, you know it's not good gun safety to keep the gun loaded. I don't want my kids finding it and blowing their brains out now do I? I have to get the bullets in the chamber. They're out in the garage. I'll be back in a jiffy. Are you sure you didn't want cocoa?
Intruder: Well. Okay, but hurry.
Man: It'll only take a second.
(Wife exits to kitchen. Man goes to garage)
(Inside garage man looks around for something to stand on. Locates a couple boxes and stacks them on top of each other. Climbs up, moves 3 boxes aside pulls out a small box)
Man: (to himself) Hmm, I wonder if I should just put one bullet in, or in case I miss when I shoot should I put in a couple? Gosh it's so hard to know these things (finishes loading the gun, walks back into the house, into the kitchen where the intruder is still pointing his gun at the woman and sipping cocoa) Alright! I'm ready to defend myself mister! You can't harm my family! (points gun at intruder)

So go forth, noble gun owner, and protect thy family. And in so doing you make our nation a safer one! Thy logic is sound, thy reasoning just. Our Nation is a better place to live because of her mighty weapons of destruction.

Fond Memories of MJ and Other News

Looking back over the past year we have lost many cultural icons. Perhaps no one will be remembered more than Michael Jackson. Around the world people are hosting their tributes to Michael and sharing fond memories of the entertainer. As part of my tribute I wanted to post a few news articles written by me earlier this year about the King of Pop. It should be noted that while his personal life was a fun target for anyone wanting to draw a smile and an awkard laugh from another, his music and legacy are truly remarkable and respectable. He truly was the King of Pop.



New US Ambassador to Disneyland
(AP 2/23/09) President Obama recently named former black entertainer and current white entertainer Michael Jackson as the U.S.’s newest Ambassador to DisneyLand with a particular emphasis on the “Small World” ride. President Obama praised his newest Ambassador by saying “Mr./Ms. Jackson has a proven track record with children and has displayed exemplary service and interest in the field of pre-teen entertainment studies.”
In his acceptance speech Mr./Ms. Jackson encouraged his new benefactors/victims “Children of the world unite! Now is the time to break the shackles of anyone aged 15 and over.”

In response to this newest appointment radio host Rush Limbaugh lambasted the President and his newest appointee by saying “I hope he fails, when the liberal media appoints...blah blah blah (this latter part is paraphrased by our editors to reflect the true substantive meaning of Mr. Limbaugh’s words.) Meanwhile Republicans responded to Mr Limbaugh’s comments by releasing a statement “My Gosh man, what is this 1996 where we care about what Rush Limbaugh thinks? Why does he think he's relevant anymore? And why won’t he shut up for crying out loud? He’s ruining our chances in 2012.”

On the other side of the aisle Democrats responded to Mr. Limbaugh’s comments by saying “Does anyone else think that this guy looks like Biff from Back to the Future 2? You know when Marty goes back to 1985 but it has changed and Biff runs a casino?” (see pic below released by Nancy Pelosi and her parrot Harry Reid whom, we've just learned to our surprise, is actually a Senator and not just someone that sits on Pelosi's shoulder repeating what she says and eating crackers)


In other news...
Earlier this year when Venezuelan Stefania Fernandez was named Miss Universe 2009 the world celebrated the newly crowned Miss Universe...the problem is she isn't the prettiest woman in the entire universe.

Around the galaxy outrage has replaced universal peace as Ms. Sc*~u69 Jolorpian of Planet SP98445A* is once again left out of the competition. Ms. Sc*~u69, regarded by many planets as far and away the most beautiful female in the Universe, has been repeatedly left out of competitions that include "universe" in the title. Earlier this year, while visiting with Michelle Obama, she complained to the President's wife ">h4ei$&jkdpfelale{+^^&" which translated into English from her native language means "Come on Michelle, this is absurd! I mean why call it a universal pageant when clearly they don't accept anyone outside of the planet earth! That isn't universal"

Ms. Sc*~u69 Jolorpian has tried numerous times to enter so-called "Universal Pagents" including the "Ms Universal Milkmaid," "Ms Universal Brewmeister," "Lil' Miss Universal Meter-maid" and "Lil Miss Universal Feminist"with no luck. "They've done everything possible to disqualify me from their pageants," complained Ms. Sc*~u69 in a recent interview with US weekly, "from saying that I couldn't be Lil Miss Universal Meter-Maid because on my planet we don't use meters for parking our cars, to saying that beer on my planet is closer to Crystal Pepsi (a 90's fad soft drink made by Pepsi-Cola) so I couldn't possibly be Ms Brewmeister, or planting pot in my car before I went on stage for the Lil Miss Universal Feminist...this is a scandal and I want restitution."

Ms. Sc*~u69 has been slowly gaining support here on planet earth by groups threatening to file a class action law suit on her behalf but because these groups are comprised mostly of Trekkie Nerds, World of War Craft fanatics, and other late-20's males who can't get a date on planet earth, it's safe to say that she hasn't got a prayer.

And finally in the world of Sports...

Today Chicago's bid for the 2016 Olympics was lost to skeptical committee members. In leading up to the city's Olympics bid Mayor Richard M. Daly has spent millions of dollars in an attempt to clean up the overly congested, polluted, and crime-ridden city. Where it was not possible to fully clean up the city the Mayor pitched to the Olympic Committe ideas for new Olympic Events. In his speach to the committe he said "Think of the dynamics of an Olympics in Chicago. We could add hobo tossing, long and short distance immigrant billy clubbing (a call back to Chicago's early 20th century history), 50 yard dashing away from crack dealers, pole-vaulting pimps, and drug raiding as Olympic Events. The marketing practically sells itself." While many agreed that these indeed would add an American appeal to the Olympics, it was agreed that no one wanted to spend any time in a dump like Chicago.

Breaking News: The missing link

(AP September 25 by Peter Case)This week President Obama released the fourth of what most certainly will be many biographies about himself. Having already written 3 books about himself, President Obama told reporters at a book signing event in Vermont, “After my terms as President are over, and my Presidential Library is constructed it is my dream that more than half the books in there are about me, this is what America needs right now, a Library of Hope.”
The book entitled Barack as I Want to Be is pretty much a word for word replication of his best-selling book The Audacity of Hope except that there is an entire chapter dedicated to his experience running for President. Before the book was even released it drew a lot of criticism from the Republican Party over the publication of a never-before heard speech lambasting his former rival Senator John McCain (R-Az) in it then Senator Obama claims:
“I'll tell you why you don't want to vote for my opponent. Ya see, John McCain clubs and eats baby seals. I’ve seen him do it, it’s kinda icky. Once I ran into him at the cafeteria of the Senate and he was perched over a bowl of dead seal. He asked ‘you wanna get in on this action?’ It was kinda sick. I threw up a little in my mouth.”

While many Republicans protest the President’s accusations in this book, claiming that they are “absurd, ridiculous, improbable and disgusting,” and that they “further rub salt in the wounds of a national hero,” in recent days various evidence has come forth that may substantiate the President’s claims including an interview between NBC’s Meredith Viera and Senator McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin. The interview was never released during the campaign due to a hefty donation to NBC’s broadcasting company by Republican Squawk- Box and all around jack-ass Shaun Hannitty. In it Governor Palin says:
“John McCain and I agree on a number of issues, and I believe he is the best qualified to run our country. True, I was a little mad when he vacationed in Alaska last summer and got arrested for loitering by the ocean in nothing but a loin cloth and clubbing and eating baby seals. I promptly ordered his release from prison, so…he owed me big time. But other than that, we get along great….I mean I wish he’d stay away from Bristol, I can’t understand what he wants with my 18 year old daughter? With all of Cindy’s plastic surgery 90%of his wife is now less than 18 years old. Isn’t that good enough?”

These reports have led to a national investigation of Senator McCain. While the investigation is ongoing a picture that was discovered on Senator McCain’s California Ranch was leaked to the press (see top of article). An inscription on the back reads “John’s younger brother Gollum ‘79”. From the evidence gathered it would appear that Gollum Rupert McCain was born in 1947 and is the younger brother of Senator John McCain. Gollum has gained recognition as the creature who found the One Ring after moving to middle-earth and shortly after losing it to a dim-witted Hobbit (a type of midget with hairy feet) he was captured and tortured by the Dark Lord then sent to find and bring him the One Ring. He is also known for over using the word “precious,” wandering around in nothing but a loin cloth (most likely a habit he picked up from his hippie days in the sixties where he and his now estranged brother John were roadies for the Grateful Dead), and eating live fish.

A member of the investigation team, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity, said “This is the ace in the hole. This family tie may be the strongest argument confirming Senator McCain’s appetite for baby seals. The family resemblance is huge. Both loiter in loin cloths, both eat raw aquatic species, both are balding with a terrible comb-over, and both have the kind of temper that makes you think 'My gosh this guy is going to snap my neck at any moment'. This could be huge.”

And while the verdict is still out, it’s safe to say “Sea World, lock your gates, Johnny’s coming home and he’s hungry.”

Update: A local reporter recently cornered Senator McCain and pressed him to answer the allegations that he is guilty of eating baby seals and that he is related to the creature Gollum. With his distinctive convulsing-under-the-immense-strain-of-bottling-up-his-rage mannerisms, Senator McCain responded, “My friend, to answer your question: No, I absolutely don’t eat those adorable little animals. That’s the liberal media trying to distract you from the point here—Universal Health Care. Yes, Gollum is my little brother. And it saddens me. He used to be so handsome until he moved to Canada. Now it’s thanks to Canada’s socialized health care that he’s hideous.”

Childrens Books for the 21st Century

Here at Petersmusings we understand that our world around us is changing. Never before has it been more important to teach our children about the changing world around us. In conjunction with Hamani "Bo" Po'oi & Co, in the coming months we're launching our new line of Childrens Books that face diversity head on in fun and imaginative ways! Here is a glimpse of upcoming titles:

Our line of religious childrens "Are You There" books delve into the diversity of Religion:

"Are You There Allah? It's Me Ahmed"
A young boy learns the joys of being Muslim

"Are You There Ganesha, Shiva, Krishna, Rama, Hanuman, Vishnu, Lakshmi, Durga, Kali, and Saraswati? It's Me Akanksha"
A Hindu Girl learns what it means to not be a Christian

"Are You There Darwin? It's me Jeffery"
A young boy is confused because his parent's don't believe in anything

Our line of coping with disease books share experiences of other children who battle with disease

"Are You there Grandpa? It's me Barry"
A young boy learns that his Grandpa has Alzheimers


"Romona has HIV Because her Mother Lived Through the Sixties"
A story about a little girl and her puppy Needles who learn of and how to cope with Auto Immune Diseases. With a special guest appearance by Freddy Mercury's Zombie Corpse

"Chaz's Daddy Drinks a Funny Brown Liquid and Gets Real Mean"
After learning that his Daddy is a drunk, Chaz meets a new friend, Tina Turner, who teaches him how to cope with a loved one's addiction to alchohol

"Wanda's Adventures with Scoliosis"

"Billy's Sister is Going Through a Magical Change...and Gets Really Grumpy Once a Month"
Discovering the horrors of familial menstruation

"Ruperts Dad the Wife Beater"
After his daddy takes a ride in a police car, Rupert learns why it's wrong to hit women

"Mommy's new nose...and other assorted parts"
An encounter with Rhinoplasty

"Dkwan's First Mugging"
A kids guide to growing up in Brooklyn

The Jockey: Friend or Foe?

In this week's edition of my musings we get an in depth look at an often misunderstood creature: the jockey







As the Kentucky Derby drew more attention this year than in times past, there has been a sudden up-surge in interest in all things horseracing. More and more children are envisioning the glory of becoming a Jockey, little girls are once again requesting ponies for Christmas, and the elderly admire the agility and so-called youthful exuberance of these tiny riders. Because of this new cult trend of Jockey admiring our scientists conducted a thorough search into the world of the Jockeys. Below are the findings of our study:

The "jockey" is a hybrid creature of man's creation. He has no magical powers. As such, he should not be considered a threat to you or your family


They're a wily bunch; Closer to trolls or goblins, than humans. And a jockey's cry is said to be fatal


The Jockey prefers to live a solitary existence and is mostly found in dense wooded areas. A solitary hunter the Jockey mainly subsists on a diet of raccoon, squirrel, and tropical birds.
A Jockey is conceived when a midget with goblin blood in their ancestral lines and an average sized human mate. In nature when a horse and donkey mate the resultant mule is sterile, so too are Jockeys infertile.

A distant relative of the leprechaun, the Jockey displays the same love for gold; although given the choice they prefer a fresh garland of flowers to gold. For this reason the only time a jockey can be spotted in public is when racing atop a horse in various derbies, the lure of fresh flowers and gold is too much for them to deny.

Jockey’s are known to leap great distances in a single bound. For this reason they were thought to be magical in times past, it is now known that the Jockey simply has an overdeveloped ham string.

Although the Jockey is not considered a magical creature, their secluded nature and sharp pointed teeth have lead authorities to consider them potentially dangerous.

In recent years certain civil rights groups have lobbied for Jockey voting rights and insist that “the Jockey is just as human as the rest of us” but these activists have gained little traction in their efforts due primarily to the popular public service announcement of the late 80’s by pop-culture icon Tom Selleck “Don’t kid yourself. If a jockey had the chance he’d gnaw on you and everyone you care about”

It is recommended that should you cross paths with a Jockey you should immediately call Animal Control. You should not make eye contact with them as they are easily riled. If you are unsuccessful and the Jockey attempts to charge you or make contact with you they can be startled and kept at bay by throwing oats at them.

Darth Vader-husband, father, creepy stalker

K-so I'm not a Star Wars geek but to me there's nothing funnier than taking everyday situations and putting perhaps the most recognizable villain in them that is Darth Vader. So tell me what you thinking by adding something in the comment box.


Skit 1: What if Darth Vader didn’t die? (This would probably work best as a cartoon skit)
Scene: A little white house with a picket fence and a lawn. Luke and his father have moved to Tatooine to start their lives over. We see Luke sitting on the front porch sulking as Darth Vader wearing blue coveralls over his Black Vader suit and toting a rusty red lunch pail and blue coffee thermos opens the gate and walks up the path just home from work

Darth Vader: Hey, champ. Why the long face?


Luke: Nothing dad, I’m okay.


Darth Vader: Come on pal, Wanna talk about it? (Sits next to Luke on the porch)


Luke: No! I just hate the way I look


Darth Vader: Uh oh, sounds like girl trouble.


Luke: It’s just that girl Leia. I really like her but she doesn’t even know I exist. She only talks about that Han Solo.


Darth Vader: (under his breath, uh-oh) Well…uh…Luke you don’t need her. There are plenty of other girls out there. You’re so much better than her. Hey, who is the best at bulls-eyeing wamprats at 50 yards? You. Who saved Han Solo and Leia from Jabba the Hutt? You. Who brought me back to the good side? You. You don’t need her.

Luke: But she kissed me a couple years ago. Now she won’t give me the time of day

Darth Vader: Uh, Luke? I’m not entirely sure how to tell you this but…um…she’s your sister.




Skit 2: What if Padme hadn’t died?
Scene is set. We see through a window a woman curled up on an upholstered chair wrapped in a quilt reading a book by lamp light. On the wall of the sitting room hanging over the piano is a family picture containing Padme, her husband Obi Won (or Chewbacca) and her two 5 year olds Luke and Leiah.


The phone rings


Padme: Hello? Hello?

On the other end we hear Darth Vader’s signature breathing

Padme: Darth? Is that you again?

Breathing continues

Darth Vader: Uh-No.

Padme: Darth, I know it’s you.

Darth Vader: Uh-No,no. My name is uh, Allen. I’m calling to sell you a magazine subscription to…uh…Death Star weekly.

Padme: Darth, you can’t keep doing this. I got a restraining order on you. You need to hang up now or I’ll call your parole officer

The line goes dead



Skit 3: Darth Vader as a the Spokesman for a Pharmaceutical Company
This is a commercial for a new depression medication. The commercial flashes images of lonely sad people. One is walking alone on a beach; one is sitting by a window looking out into the night with tears welling up in her eyes; a graying man petting his dog on the head looking forlorn; and other such images. Darth Vader’s is the narrator and voice over for these images. His voice begins


Darth Vader: Hey there. Dark side got you down? Feeling like people just don’t understand you? Wonder if it’s really worth it anymore? Like maybe your decades of loyal service to the emperor were a waste? I mean, all you got was employee of the month once and on boss’s day you got a mug that says “Death Star’s best boss” from your employee’s. Ever feel like letting your tie-fighter just run off course and you don’t care which planet it runs into?

Now there’s help….
With Enlivador you can enjoy again all the activities you thought you’d never do again. Bike riding, spending time with friends and family, playing badminton with the Impirial Storm Troopers, joining Grand Moff Tarkin at the Star Bucks they just opened in the east wing of the Death Star that has the foamy lattes that you like so much

Enlivador is a once a day anti-depressent that increases hormone levels in the morning, afternoon, and evening to give you constant energy and virility throughout your day. And Enlivador isn’t even habit forming. 9 out of 10 patients reported an increase in energy, mood, and willingness to blindly follow the Empire's commands giving little thought to the ethical implications of blowing up whole planets... in as little as 2 weeks!
Enlivador isn’t for everyone so ask your doctor if Enlivador is right for you. Call our toll free number to receive a free month’s trial. Common side effects reported are dry mouth, irritability, diarrhea, feelings of light headed or dizziness, and in rare cases insomnia.

So join the millions out there who are finding new life through Enlivador. New Hope is once again possible. Enlivador can help.

Adventures in Wal-mart (or why we all hate Wal-mart but still shop there)

I created this blog because I'd love to be a comedy writer for a tv series or for a stand up comedian some day so this is my attempt at getting practice and getting feedback. I see odd things in life and like to report them from my point of view. If you decide to read it, tell me what you think, give suggestions. It'd be nice to develop this talent.

Why we hate Wal-Mart

A recent study showed that the average Americans number one fear is shopping at Walmart. Now for the last 50 years the number one fear of Americans was Public Speaking but now most people would rather speak in public, have a limb cut off ,or even suffer through another Will Ferrell movie before they'd go to Walmart.
I don't like going into Walmart. Hate it. It's the worst thing in the world. First of all when you pull in to the parking lot you have people in their cars circling the parking lot looking for the perfect spot. They're like vultures. The second they see backup lights on someones car they all swarm to the spot to get it. In the process they kill 5 pedestrians and total 3 cars. It's like going to a Monster Truck Rally, except you don't have to pay, there are no restraining rails, and even senior citizens are getting in on the action. And people don't know how to park at Walmart either so good luck getting a spot. Especially people with big trucks. People with big trucks are the worst parkers ever and they're proud of it. They jump out of their truck, find the nearest person and say "hey man, check out that sweet park job. She's a beaut' aint she?" "Oh yeah, yeah. No, it's totally normal to parallel park into 4 parking spaces. I mean it's not really a parallel parking spot, you just drive into it, but no, no your method is better." Of course people who drive big trucks, you can't expect too much from them anyway, you know? I mean, you can't set the bar too high for a guy who wears skin tight jeans, a belt buckle the size of a hub cap, and is missing 4 or 5 teeth. I mean you know his parents were cousins so you have to let him off the hook a little. Right?
After you finally find a spot you had better remember where you parked because they don't have parking stall numbers like Disney Land. It'd be awesome though if they did. You know like Wal-mart themed parking sections. "K honey don't forget we're in section 'Jim the Surly Greeter' 5th row 30th spot."

Wal-mart isn't a store that you go in to just to browse either. You've got to know what you want and where to find it because if you don't you're sunk. You can't ask the sales associates.

Have you ever tried to stop an associate in Wal-Mart? It's impossible. It's like they've got some sort of special Wal-mart standard issued sonar so that they can navigate through the store without helping a single customer. But even if you could catch one it doesn't make sense to ask the associates anything-they don't know where anything is. That's why they're the only store in the world where the associates don't rush up to you and say "is there anything I can help you find?" most of the time they're asking you where to find something. If I want to find anything in Walmart I ask the mother with a load of kids in her shopping cart, or the Hispanic people. Those people have the store mapped out, they've even been spotted climbing through the ventilation system in case there's a sale and they need to get to the front of the line quickly. Got the whole place mapped out. But the sales people? Forget it. I was walking down an aisle the other day at Walmart looking for tooth paste and I hear this employee say "Son of a B%*#@, Hey guys! Did you know we sell tupperware? I got to pick me up some of dat" His name tag said "10 years serving you" 10 years and he just discovered the tupperware.
Doesn't make any sense. I ran into a Wal-mart associate the other day, "Hey Man," I said, " do you know where the batteries are?" The dude came unravelled. He started crying and said "Man, my shift was over 3 days ago. I can't find my way out of here. Yesterday I had to go #2 in a corner over by sporting goods because I can't find the bathroom in this place."

One thing to watch out for in walmart is blind corners. I can't tell you how many times I've almost died trying to turn a corner in that place and some woman with 8 kids hanging off the side of the cart zoom by. All her kids pointed at me and laughed. You know how their website it says "Suggestions? Contact us" I wrote in "Install stop lights in that place!" Now that's an idea. Stop lights in Walmart. Then you can have one of their senior citizens patrolling the place with segways handing out tickets to people who run a red light.

And their lay-out makes no sense either. It's like if I want liquid hand soap I have to go to the far left of the store, it's over by the amunition. If I want the bar hand soap I have to make the 40 mile treck to the right side of the store. It's next to aluminum foils.

And if you lose a kid in there forget it, he's gone. In some states they start having you fill out waivers before you can shop there. "I hereby agree that should I lose any persons in the store I immediately forfeit them to the Walmart corporation and it's entities." A couple months later you spot your lost 5 year old kid wearing a blue apron with the Wal-mart logo and giving out free samples of cheese, of course now he's got a faded tattoo and when he talks you can't understand a word he says because he's picked up the habit of mumbling like the rest of his co-workers.

I think Wal-mart employees do have to have one qualification: they have to speak "PA system." None of the rest of us understand it but when we hear the PA system warning noise and then the voice speaks they all look up and seem to know exactly what she said. You see them nodding their heads "I couldn't agree more." What is that?
And the dressing rooms there are a joke. I think they use the dressing rooms for storage of overly large novelty bra's that no woman would ever buy, you know the ones with pink flamingos on them that are big enough the new kid they just hired is using it as a hammock. I mean whoever the buyer is for Walmart should be fired. Maybe he's thinking "In case of the apocolypse, people will be frantically looking for supersized bra's to use as shelter, and we'll have the market on them." But if you want to try something on and you ask the attendant she just looks at you blankly like she's never realized that those stalls behind her are for trying on clothes. If you have the good fortune to meet some employee who seems to realize they work at the fitting room they'll still not let you in. They say "dressing room hours are over. We're closed." Are you kidding me? A store that stays open 24 hours a day and you have to make special reservations to try on a T-shirt?

Anyway...just my thoughts