The noble act of Family Protection

Quote From "Family Guy"
Petey: Hi, Im Petey the Pistol! Say, do you ever get lonely?
Boy: Yes...
Petey: Me too... Hold me.
If you squeeze me, I make bad people go away!

**It should be noted that I personally don't have a problem with gun ownership at all. I do however get a chuckle from people saying that the only reason they own a gun is for family protection which, afterall, is silly nonsense**
The Birth of a Nation: Protecting Her Citizens
In that eventful year of 1776, after our Founding Fathers had defeated the British and had driven them back across the pond, they saw fit to draft articles of beliefs to outline their new freedoms. In their infinite foresight the Founding Fathers saw it necessary to declare that every man, woman, and child has one universal and inalienable right: The right to take a weapon of uncontrollable power and blow the hell out of thy enemies.
Our Founding Fathers knew even then that this right would lead to greater harmony in the world, would restore safety to impoverished areas of the country(so-called slums like Chicago, Compton, and Manhattan), and never be used for evil, never to take unjust advantage of another human being, and most of all never to be used for criminal purposes.

This week we salute you, the Second Amendment!
Gun owners come in all shapes and sizes. Big ones, small ones. Manly ones, feminine ones. Middle class gun owners, and Mullet sporting redneck gun-toting NRA wacko's who thought Charleton Heston was President of "these here United States" from the 1950's til 2006.
Some gun owners like to spend their time at a secure shooting range and others like to "shoot out back da trailer with der baby mama while the young'ins watch their daddy use a semi to blow holes in the ol' family Buick." And while there is much diversity between those who own guns there is one universal code that all gun owners use to defend their noble right to own a gun: "To Protect My Family."

Gun Safety Rules:
1. A gun should always be stored in a safe, secure place. Preferably on a tall shelf or closet out of reach from small children.
2. Guns should be kept in a gun safe.
3. Optimally you should have a trigger lock on your gun.
4. Guns should never be left loaded when not in use.
5. Bullets for the gun should be kept completely separate from the gun and also in a high secure place.


Because intruders respect gun safety rules and would never want you to disobey any of them, they will invariably follow a set of guidelines when attempting to rob you or place your family in danger necessitating use of your gun. This will happen in one of two ways:

Scenario 1: A friendly reminder
Dear Mr. Anderson,
My name is John and I am "emailing" you today to tell you that tomorrow night at 2 a.m. I will be breaking into your house using the second window to the right on the east side of your house. I thought I'd let you know before hand so that you can make sure that your gun is unlocked, that you've loaded bullets into it, and are ready for me. I may stop to get a sandwich first before so lets make it 2-2:40. I am really looking forward to stealing your family's valuables lol :)

Yours in Armed Aggression,
John Eggert


Scenario 2: Common Courtesy
Scene: The scene is inside a 2-story home in the middle of the night. A man and his wife are sleeping in their bed while down the hall their 2 children are asleep in their rooms. Outside the house a man dressed in black removes the screen to the master bedroom window and is able to pull the window open and climb into the room. This noise startles the man and his wife awake. The man turns on the lamp. The intruder pulls out a gun.
Intruder: Where are the valuables? Give 'em to me or I'll shoot you!
Man: Now you just wait one second sir, you can't speak to me that way. I'm a gun owner. Would you mind giving me a second to arm myself. I bought a gun just for these circumstances, and I'll be darned if you're not going to let me use it.
Intruder: Well, okay. But hurry up, the bus comes in 15 minutes and I can't miss it. My shift at McDonalds starts in half an hour.
Man: Oh sure. Yes, well give me just a second. Now, lets see. Oh there's a stepping stool. (to intruder) We keep our gun on the top shelf of our closet so that our kids can't get to it as easy.
Intruder: Well obviously. There's nothing more important than safe gun practices. You never want kids getting harmed, it hurts getting shot... You know, it's nice to see that some folks still take gun safety seriously.
Man: Give me just one second. (Pulls the stepping stool to the closet and pulls down a case and sets it on the bed.) Now lets see, honey where did I put that key for the lock?
Wife: (to intruder) He loses everything. I swear, he'd lose his head if it weren't attached. Dear, it's in the top left dresser drawer under your favorite pair of black socks
Man: Oh,that's right. (pulls open the drawer. takes the key. unlocks the safe) Now this will just take a moment. (to intruder)Hey, while you're waiting, would you like the Misses to make you a cup of hot cocoa? She makes a mean cocoa.
Intruder: No, I've really got to get going. Can't you hurry?
Man: Oh I do apologize. Now are you sure you wouldn't like to go next door to the Anderson's, maybe you could rob them first and come back? John's just got a big promotion so I'm sure they've got some good stuff. I just hate to waste your time.
Wife: (to intruder)Will you listen to him, honestly, he's always trying to get people to shoot the neighbor. What a character!
Intruder: Oh I wish I had time for that, but I do have that bus to catch.
Man: Would it help if I were to drive you to the bus stop after we're done here? I'd be more than willing to.
Intruder: No, no, no. Don't be silly, I wouldn't want to be a burden.
Man: Yes I'm almost ready for you. Okay, now where's the key to my trigger lock? Hmm...
Wife: Honey, you left it in your blue coveralls. Remember you used your keys earlier when you were out in the garage?
Man: Oh, here they are (unlocks the trigger)
Intruder: Are you ready now?
Man: Now hang on a second sir, you know it's not good gun safety to keep the gun loaded. I don't want my kids finding it and blowing their brains out now do I? I have to get the bullets in the chamber. They're out in the garage. I'll be back in a jiffy. Are you sure you didn't want cocoa?
Intruder: Well. Okay, but hurry.
Man: It'll only take a second.
(Wife exits to kitchen. Man goes to garage)
(Inside garage man looks around for something to stand on. Locates a couple boxes and stacks them on top of each other. Climbs up, moves 3 boxes aside pulls out a small box)
Man: (to himself) Hmm, I wonder if I should just put one bullet in, or in case I miss when I shoot should I put in a couple? Gosh it's so hard to know these things (finishes loading the gun, walks back into the house, into the kitchen where the intruder is still pointing his gun at the woman and sipping cocoa) Alright! I'm ready to defend myself mister! You can't harm my family! (points gun at intruder)

So go forth, noble gun owner, and protect thy family. And in so doing you make our nation a safer one! Thy logic is sound, thy reasoning just. Our Nation is a better place to live because of her mighty weapons of destruction.