Breaking News: The missing link

(AP September 25 by Peter Case)This week President Obama released the fourth of what most certainly will be many biographies about himself. Having already written 3 books about himself, President Obama told reporters at a book signing event in Vermont, “After my terms as President are over, and my Presidential Library is constructed it is my dream that more than half the books in there are about me, this is what America needs right now, a Library of Hope.”
The book entitled Barack as I Want to Be is pretty much a word for word replication of his best-selling book The Audacity of Hope except that there is an entire chapter dedicated to his experience running for President. Before the book was even released it drew a lot of criticism from the Republican Party over the publication of a never-before heard speech lambasting his former rival Senator John McCain (R-Az) in it then Senator Obama claims:
“I'll tell you why you don't want to vote for my opponent. Ya see, John McCain clubs and eats baby seals. I’ve seen him do it, it’s kinda icky. Once I ran into him at the cafeteria of the Senate and he was perched over a bowl of dead seal. He asked ‘you wanna get in on this action?’ It was kinda sick. I threw up a little in my mouth.”

While many Republicans protest the President’s accusations in this book, claiming that they are “absurd, ridiculous, improbable and disgusting,” and that they “further rub salt in the wounds of a national hero,” in recent days various evidence has come forth that may substantiate the President’s claims including an interview between NBC’s Meredith Viera and Senator McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin. The interview was never released during the campaign due to a hefty donation to NBC’s broadcasting company by Republican Squawk- Box and all around jack-ass Shaun Hannitty. In it Governor Palin says:
“John McCain and I agree on a number of issues, and I believe he is the best qualified to run our country. True, I was a little mad when he vacationed in Alaska last summer and got arrested for loitering by the ocean in nothing but a loin cloth and clubbing and eating baby seals. I promptly ordered his release from prison, so…he owed me big time. But other than that, we get along great….I mean I wish he’d stay away from Bristol, I can’t understand what he wants with my 18 year old daughter? With all of Cindy’s plastic surgery 90%of his wife is now less than 18 years old. Isn’t that good enough?”

These reports have led to a national investigation of Senator McCain. While the investigation is ongoing a picture that was discovered on Senator McCain’s California Ranch was leaked to the press (see top of article). An inscription on the back reads “John’s younger brother Gollum ‘79”. From the evidence gathered it would appear that Gollum Rupert McCain was born in 1947 and is the younger brother of Senator John McCain. Gollum has gained recognition as the creature who found the One Ring after moving to middle-earth and shortly after losing it to a dim-witted Hobbit (a type of midget with hairy feet) he was captured and tortured by the Dark Lord then sent to find and bring him the One Ring. He is also known for over using the word “precious,” wandering around in nothing but a loin cloth (most likely a habit he picked up from his hippie days in the sixties where he and his now estranged brother John were roadies for the Grateful Dead), and eating live fish.

A member of the investigation team, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity, said “This is the ace in the hole. This family tie may be the strongest argument confirming Senator McCain’s appetite for baby seals. The family resemblance is huge. Both loiter in loin cloths, both eat raw aquatic species, both are balding with a terrible comb-over, and both have the kind of temper that makes you think 'My gosh this guy is going to snap my neck at any moment'. This could be huge.”

And while the verdict is still out, it’s safe to say “Sea World, lock your gates, Johnny’s coming home and he’s hungry.”

Update: A local reporter recently cornered Senator McCain and pressed him to answer the allegations that he is guilty of eating baby seals and that he is related to the creature Gollum. With his distinctive convulsing-under-the-immense-strain-of-bottling-up-his-rage mannerisms, Senator McCain responded, “My friend, to answer your question: No, I absolutely don’t eat those adorable little animals. That’s the liberal media trying to distract you from the point here—Universal Health Care. Yes, Gollum is my little brother. And it saddens me. He used to be so handsome until he moved to Canada. Now it’s thanks to Canada’s socialized health care that he’s hideous.”