Twilight- From Edward's Point of View

The multi-million copy selling book Twilight takes readers through the experiences of teenaged love and angst from the point of view of a young woman named Bella Swan. While many teenage girls swoon over their story and themselves become delusional enough to seek out their own vampire lover--Bella's supposed "boyfriend" Edward Cullen recently set the record straight when he wrote what really happened on their first date.

Isabella Swan: [to Edward] I know what you are. You're impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is... pale white, and ice cold. your eyes change color. and sometimes you speak like like your from a different time. you never eat or drink any thing. you don't go into the sunlight.

Isabella Swan: How old are you?

Edward Cullen: Seventeen.

Isabella Swan: How long have you been seventeen?

Edward Cullen: ...a while.

Isabella Swan: I know what you are.

Edward Cullen: Say it, out loud say it.

Isabella Swan: Vampire...

Edward Cullen: Wait, what? No, no I'm a UPS Delivery Driver.

Isabella Swan: I'm not afraid. You can trust me with your secret. I'm sure that my feminine neck odors turn you on and yet make you want to drink my blood. I bet you can't control yourself sometimes when you're around me because you want so bad to sink you're fangs into my neck. I bet I'm you're own personal heroin.

Edward Cullen: Whoa, wait a second. No...no I'm a delivery driver for UPS. No- see that's the reason we don't eat or drink anything--so that we can travel great distances and not have to stop to rest or eat. And the reason why I'm icy cold is because I have poor circulation. You know that. By the way, who says "I'm your heroin"on a first date? Who does that? Like what? I'm going to inject you and...stand on a corner all night screaming at invisible ninjas?

Isabella Swan: Oh don't play coy with me Edward. I love you, I love you in spite of the fact that you probably feel really bad that you're a cold blooded killer--a monster!

Edward Cullen: Oh wow!

Isabella Swan: It's the reason why you're eyes change color.

Edward Cullen: Wait! They only did that because you flashed a red laser pointer in them in biology class!

Isabella Swan: The reason why you ran really quick to save me when that van almost ran into me.

Edward Cullen: No, no that van actually hit you. You were in a coma for like 9 months. Wait, you seriously don't remember that?

Isabella Swan: It's the reason why you're skin is like beautiful diamonds when reflected in the sun.

Edward Cullen: That was sweat. I just got done running up this hill to show you my fast delivery driver skills. Wow. You're-you're kinda crazier than I expected and...

Isabella Swan: It's how you manage to watch me sleep every night and I see you briefly then when I blink--you're gone!

Edward Cullen: Uh- I'm gonna leave now. Not that this wasn't fun or anything but... There's that biology assignment that's due so...(slowly backs away)

Isabella Swan: Oh Edward! I want to be yours forever. Bite me Edward, bite me and I'll be your immortal bride!

Edward Cullen: So I'm going to go now and...this was fun! So thanks for...it's just that I've got to go and...you're crazy...so....(runs away at a sprint looking over his shoulder to make sure she's not following him)

Mr Cullen continues "that chick was seriously crazy. I mean sure she was cute so I asked her out but...dang. Vampire? Wow, that chick was messed up man. She read so many romance novels in high school, I don't think she new reality from her stories. Plus she kind of had this...body odor problem, that's why I gagged the first time she stepped in front of that fan. It was epic! Wow! That's all I can say."