Friday, February 26, 2010

Our Changing World

Time was when people said "African Americans aren't good at sports"
Then they said "African Americans are only good at sports"
Now they say "Only African Americans are good at sports"
Ah...*sigh*... Our Changing World

Time was when only Jewish people were considered good at writing comedy.
Now thanks to shows like Family Guy and 30 Rock we've learned that disenchanted and bitter former Catholics are also good at writing comedy.
Ah...*sigh* our changing world.
I hope to someday live in a world where a Mormon can be good at writing comedy.

Time was when people hated you for you color, religion, or sexual preference.
Now people hate you in spite of your color, religion, or sexual preference.
Let me give you some examples...

Time was when Homosexuals were known for their innate artistic brilliance (for example Elton John, Liberace, Rock Hudson)
But now thanks to people like last year's American Idol winner Adam Lambert we've learned that even gay people can be talentless wastes of space.
Ah...*sigh*...our changing world

Adam Lambert, you said some really messed up things about Susan Boyle. But now I can confidently say that myself and millions of other people hate you but not because you are gay. But we hate you because you attack people with talent and call them talentless, you perform disgusting sexual acts on a prime time television awards show and say that people only got offended because you were gay. Adam, we don't hate you because you're gay. We hate you because you are a bona-fide horse's ass (pardon my language).
AH...*sigh*...our changing world

Time was when any woman in a position of authority always had the Midas touch.
But now thanks to Nancy Pelosi, even women can irreversibly screw things up for millions of people.
Ah...*sigh*...our changing world
And Just to be Politically Impartial...
Time was when a man who hadn't worked a day in his life and lived off his wife's family's inheritance was considered a plague on society.
But now thanks to John McCain men who haven't worked a day in their life and have lived off their wife's family's inheritance can now be a party nominee for President.
Ah...*sigh*...our changing world.

Time was when a person who performed a heroic act or produced something that made millions of people happy, such as a stunning performance in a movie or a particularly touching song, were deeply respected by society and were inducted into Halls of Fame or even knighted.
Now when you do something that commands respect the paparazzi follow you around waiting for you to screw your life up so they can catch it on tape.
Ah...*sigh*...our changing world

Of course some things seem destined to never change...

Protestant ministers still have their congregations convinced that "Mormons have horns and multiple wives". How does that work?

The British and the Southern States still call most of the people in the U.S. "Yanks"...150 years after we received that name in Civil War. Plus, those of us out West had nothing to do with the Civil War, we weren't even inhabited yet. How can we be "Yanks"? I mean you don't see us referring to Alabama as "the slave state" or referring to the British as the "Anglo-Saxons"

Oh...our silly changing--yet unchanging--world!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

News in Brief

Headlines in Science
December 27th, 2009 will be a day that goes down in history as the day we finally learned the origins of the Chaco sandal. While continuing their study of King Tuttankhamen's tomb archeologist Thomas Cromford discovered a small compartment in the tomb which he later claimed was the Pharoah's shoe closet, and at the bottom of the closet was the ancient remains of what appears to be the first pair of Chaco sandals. "This is an exciting day for us. For years the hippies have been claiming they created the Chaco," claims President of Chaco Shoes Intl. "but we knew that apart from hemp necklaces and tie died shirts hippies have no apparrel making talents." In recent years the ESHA (Egyptian Society for Homosexual Archeologists) have claimed that the Pharoah who had deceased at a relatively young age, may have actually been gay. Citing this new finding, the group's spokesperson said "this substantiates our claim that King Tut was gay and was more likely known as King Tutti-Frutti by the local gay community. I mean what straight man wears Chaco sandals?"

Local News
Utah's new Governor Gary Herbert recently announced a state of "Diversity Emergency" when the state's only African American population left the state for a brief interval. In a press conference Gov. Herbert said "We cannot and we must not allow the Utah Jazz to play road games. Especially not in this, the year of the consensus! If they leave, we have absolutely NO black people left in the state." The Governor then proceeded to contact the former governor of the state, John Huntsman, who left the Governorship after being named as the U.S. Ambassador to China early in 2009. "Apparently the Jazz do this frequently, leave without permission to play in other states. I asked John what to do and he told me that traditionally we just count the vast polynesian culture as Black." In 2001 after the Government removed the words "African American" from any demographic chart or survey and replaced it with the word "Black" Governor Huntsman found an opportunity to boost Utah's diversity statistic by claiming all Polynesians as "Black." "Well come on," said now Ambassador Huntsman, "they're just as dark as President Obama and he's considered black!"

Political News
Senate Minority Harry Reid (D-NV) responded to demands made by many Republican Party Officials that he resign following news of a racist remark made toward then Presidential Candidate Barack Obama Tuesday. In a written statement the Senator said "Really? YOU Republicans are calling ME a racist? Aren't you the same party that tried to convince the country that Obama was the son of a terrorist, the friend and supporter of a terrorist, and probably would be sworn in on the terrorist Bible?" Republicans swiftly responded "Yeah, so. It's--it's different."

The news headline Wednesday morning read: UK vicar invokes God's blessing on BlackBerrys "The Rev. Canon David Parrott blessed a symbolic heap of laptops and smart phones on the altar of London's 17th-century St. Lawrence Jewry church Monday...Parishioners took out cell phones as Parrott recited a blessing over them and their electronic devices. A few held their phones up in the air as he ran through the prayer." (
When asked how this incredible act came about the Reverend said "Well, I got really sick of using pencils and pens to do all of my communicating so finally I came to the realization that perhaps technology is probably okay with God now. It took me a while to get to cell phones though. You can't just go from blessed pencils and pens to the blackberry, no you have to go through the heirarchy of technology. I started at movable type, moved to type-writers, then the Xerox machine, then hamm and cb radios, then it came to computers. Since the church has no official stance on Apple vs. Windows operating systems and PC's I just put a blanket blessing on all the computers (Not an easy or quick feat, I tell you), then moved to laptops, then graphing calculators, then finally to the old early 90's Brick cell phones before realizing that I completely left out 8-track, cassettes, VCR's, Laser Disc, then DVD players, and Mini Discs so I had to undo those other blessings and start over. After Brick Cell phones I moved to phones that could text, then smart phones and video cameras. It was a lengthy process, the sermon took literally 6 hours and many of our parishoners fell asleep or wet themselves but I think in the end we did it right."

Monday, November 30, 2009

New Reality TV Shows

So You Think You Can Prance
Watching the cast of Broadways Shrek perform on the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade perform I noticed how the chap that was playing Shrek was acting...flamboyant. Of course the character of Shrek isn't flambouyant, then it hit me! These actors have no outlet to express their ragingly flambouyant side and so it comes through in the otherwise masculine characters that they play. This creates a need. So You Think You Can Prance is a brutal competition that matches flourescent latex body suits with FLAMING dance moves and song lyrics.

America's Next Top Orphan
Lets face it, most parents think that they have the worst teenager in the world. This show allows them to prove it. The Mother and Father who win this competition are compensated when their children become a legal ward of the state.

Ever wonder what happens to those infidels who aren't picked by bin Laden to be suicide pilots? This competition pits the strongest Al-Quida men against one another in an effort to become the clan's main eunich. Brutal competitions and withstanding the temptations of the Shah's heram will earn the lucky winner a date with the scalpel. There is no greater honor than becoming the next top eunich!

Dancing with the Lepers
This competition pits washed up celebrities against time. The winner of this dance competition once again claims fame and glory, but can they win before their partner falls apart? Arms and legs will fall off, noses will decay, and hips will break as real life lepers join their celebrity dance partners in "Dancing...with the Lepers"

Top Hobo Chef
It's always amazing what homeless people pass for a decent meal. Old chili, dead rats, Burger King! Top Hobo Chef rewards the Hobo who can create the best meal from the garbage they find on the street. Dumpster diving never sounded so delicious!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Marketing Advice for the Catholic Church

On every street corner there are new churches popping up daily so much so that churches with traditionally strong congregations are losing their members to other faiths. One in particular is the Roman Catholic Church who recently reported a fifteen percent decline in Mass attendance. As a marketing guru I'd have to say that the Holy Mother Church has lost touch with the younger Christian. For centuries now they've kept things pretty stale aside from the Priest/Paritioner sodomy allegations, when Pope John Paul II ripped up a picture of Sinead O'Conner when he guest hosted Live with Regis and Kelly, and when the current Pope challenged Dr. Phil to a cage match at a UFC fundraiser event. So here are some suggestions for the Church to spice things up and increase their membership...

1. You Need More Patron Saints!
Time was when the Holy Mother Church would add other religion's dieties as Patron Saints to convince other congregations to join the Catholic flock but there hasn't been a new Patron Saint added in years. Here are my suggestions for new Patron Saints:

  • The Patron Saint of Supervillains: this would include The Joker, Lex Luthor, Magneto, and Cher.

  • The Patron Saint of Sunday Afternoon Football. This Saint would earn you an extra rosary bead (shaped like a football of course) and would grant forgiveness when you skip mass in favor of the Colts-Patriots Game or the Super Bowl.

  • The Patron Saint of Fast Food Forgiveness. This one is handy for those who fall off the bandwagon and eat a cheeseburger when they're supposed to be dieting.

  • The Patron Saint of Electoral Forgiveness. Let's face it we've all done things we're not proud many people would like to earn forgiveness for voting Obama? This is a no brainer.

  • The Patron Saint of Guilt...although they may have this one already. Sometimes we get too comfortable and realize we haven't experienced guilt in some time. A Patron Saint of Guilt would help cure us of that.

  • The Patron Saint of Reality TV. Sometimes it helps to have a Patron Saint to ask special graces from when we really want DaQwam to win Project Runway.

  • The Patron Saint of Credit Card Debt. Did you just spend next months rent buying a Nintendo Wii on your nearly maxed out Visa? Getting that funny feeling like maybe you shouldn't have? Well, this Patron Saint is perfect to ask forgiveness from. While she won't lower your interest rate (which is currently sitting at 21% APR) she will lower your chances of buyers remorse!
2. Use your Patron Saints to your advantage and create a new Role Playing Game
The basis of this is simple, you want to appeal to the marketing holy trinity: College students, the morbidly obese, and Homosexuals. Both morbidly obese men and college students love role playing games: Magic the gathering, Dungeons and Dragons, Pokemon, etc. Why not take all of your Patron Saints and assign them special energy and stamina points and powers and then put them on a deck of cards and...the rest practically writes itself! Have special tournaments before each mass and then you've got converts!
I can see it now "My Saint Argus of Hippo takes 20 transsubstantiation points and wipes out your Patron Saint of Armed Aggression card!"

3. Spice up that Mass service!
Would it be so bad to let the enthusiastic black ladies shout out an "Amen" or a "Praise Jesus" once in a while? And would it kill you to let elderly women drop their walkers and fall to the ground rolling around, mumbling jibberish thinking they've been overcome by the Holy Spirit? You're losing way too many black people to Pentacostal Churches, let them Brothers and Sisters get roudy!
4. Change the look of the Rosary Beads
Rosary Beads just aren't that stylish to wear around town (unless you're a country singer from the Bible Belt) so why not make them more like the 80's charm bracelets? Each Patron Saint would have a specific bead shaped like the thing they represent. The Patron Saint of Fast Food Forgiveness, for example, could have a cheeseburger charm as her bead. You get the idea!
5. Create an on-line confessional
Remember Ask Jeeves, the search engine from years back? Well what if Catholic Members could look up their sins through an on-line confessional called "Ask Saint Anthony" and it would tell them what Patron Saint to pray to for forgiveness, how many Hail Mary's to do, or if they want to shortcut all that "Ask Saint Anthony" would let them use their Pay Pal account to make a sin offering. Then it could be linked to the persons Facebook page or Twitter account to let their friends and family know what sin they were just absolved from.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Creepy Pete and the birth of the Zoo

Creepy Pete then and now

Up the road from where I work is the friendliest team of salespeople I've ever met. They work at Harts gas station and while their job isn't particularly glamorous they're always enthusiastic, personable, and friendly.

Creepy Pete is the front runner of this team of stellar sales associates. Creepy Pete's in his sixties. He's tall, balding, bespectacled, and always has his top two shirt buttons undone. Creeping up over his shirt collar is a bushy main of graying chest hair- he has more chest hair creeping up over his shirt collar than most people have on their entire body (there's a good chance he's growing it out to donate to locks of love...). But that's not why we call him Creepy Pete. He's got that twangy, nice-guy-up-the-street-who-is-really-friendly-but-kinda-creepy style and sometimes words fly out of his mouth that make you turn and stare at him in awe like "I'm not sure if that really came out of your mouth...and I'm not sure if I should laugh or squirm in discomfort." He got the name Creepy Pete when one day we went into Harts on a break. At the cash register my friend asked me if I was going to get a Pepsi, I told him I was giving up cafffeine. Creepy Pete chimed in "I'd rather you give up sex than caffeine. I can't make money off sex habits, but I can make money off caffeine habits." We both looked at him baffled and gave a perfunctory smile, then walked out. My friend went ghostly white. From then on he became known as Creepy Pete. Sometimes we walk in and he's totally normal, sometimes we walk in and he'll squawk like a bird in our direction or make some off-hand comment. I've wondered how a person like Creepy Pete got his start in a lucrative career such as working as a Sales Attendent at a gas station in American Fork Utah...since I don't know, I've made it up. What follows is Creepy Pete's Back Story:

Creepy Pete: The historical contributions of a weirdo
The turn of the 19th century brought an exciting era of prosperity, innovation, and sexually transmitted diseases to America (The std's have no part in this story but I don't feel we can ignore that they existed so...). All around the nation new arenas for entertainment were being devised daily. One in particular was the world-renowned "Coney Island" in New York. In May of 1903 Mr. Zooloco Broslowski bartered the services of his 7 year old son Pete to pay for his wiskey habit to the famed but cruel Master of the Coney Island Freak Show, Igor Radmanovich.

Mr. Radmanovich was a brutal perfectionist who put Pete in charge of cleaning the circus freak's cages. Although he loved the circus freaks he took care of, Pete was miserable. His master, Igor, would beat him severally with his wooden cane if he left even one of the bearded lady's feeding dishes dirty, or didn't pick up every peice of the circus midget's poop. After the park closed and his master had passed out with a bottle of cognac in hand, Pete would play bridge with the midgets (although he later admitted they were stinking filthy cheats), horse-whip the Bearded lady to keep her emitting testosterone, and practice his yodelling with Aquaman. He greatly enjoyed his alone time after Igor passed out and would dream of escaping with his friends and going into business himself.

One night Pete woke his friends shortly after Igor passed out. He gathered all of the freaks together and told them he had devised a plan for them to leave their wicked master and go into business themselves (all except for Aquaman, with whom he had been at enmity after Aquaman tried to harpoon him at the Halloween Party). They all agreed to Pete's plan, hopped into the back of Igor's hauling truck and drove away. They continued to drive until at last the truck broke down. They named the little place where they landed Omaha, Nebraska which, in Circus Midget tongue, means "dumpy flat land that normal people wouldn't move to to save their lives". Here, they decided, is where they would start their new lives and gain great fortune. They named their new show the "Zoo" after Pete's alcoholic father. They set up paddocks for each of the circus freaks where people could adore them, they set up booths for the kiddies to play games, and invented snack foods to sell at their new "concession stands." One treat Pete was particularly proud of was his Greasy Spearchucker, a treat that took an ordinary stick of butter and deep fried it (later the name was changed when it was determined the name "spearchucker" was a racial slur).
At first only the local "Indians" would come to their show-- they loved watching the white man make a fool of himself. While most of the circus freaks were too afraid to confront the Indian's harrassment (it is common knowledge that Indians turn into werewolfs at midnight much the same way Chinese men turn into tigers at midnight) the bearded lady wasn't afraid. One day as they approached her paddock, the young Indian boys started throwing their Greasy Spearchuckers at her. The bearded lady withstood their abuse for a few minutes before she stopped in the middle of her yodelling routine, jumped down from her stage and bit clean through one of the Indian boy's calf muscles and dragged him back to her feeding area and devoured him.
News of the bearded ladies actions spread and there was some worry about the safety of Pete's zoo and Pete decided he'd have to build cages for his freaks to keep his visitors safe. As time passed his zoo became more and more popular, not because of his circus freaks, but because of the potential threat of dangerous creatures behind bars. As the years passed Pete's zoo continued to grow. More and more people developed Zoo's of their own to showcase their circus freaks and enjoyed great prosperity...until the 60's. The hippy movement brought with it the notion by some radicals that caging human-like creatures was unethical.
Over time Pete slowly replaced his circus freaks with exotic animals, but it came at a cost. Pete believed the heart and soul of a zoo lied in showcasing weirdo circus freaks. Although the new animals were interesting to look at, they didn't compare to the circus freaks to Pete. He soon left the Zoo business to pursue his first love "Gas Station Attendancy" where he has worked ever since. While most don't know he was the founder of the modern zoo, every now and then he lets out a squawk at a random customer, or say some raunchy thing he learned from the bearded woman- and he gets a gleam in his eye, and a tear trickles down his cheek for his old friends.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Twilight- From Edward's Point of View

The multi-million copy selling book Twilight takes readers through the experiences of teenaged love and angst from the point of view of a young woman named Bella Swan. While many teenage girls swoon over their story and themselves become delusional enough to seek out their own vampire lover--Bella's supposed "boyfriend" Edward Cullen recently set the record straight when he wrote what really happened on their first date.

Isabella Swan: [to Edward] I know what you are. You're impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is... pale white, and ice cold. your eyes change color. and sometimes you speak like like your from a different time. you never eat or drink any thing. you don't go into the sunlight.

Isabella Swan: How old are you?

Edward Cullen: Seventeen.

Isabella Swan: How long have you been seventeen?

Edward Cullen: ...a while.

Isabella Swan: I know what you are.

Edward Cullen: Say it, out loud say it.

Isabella Swan: Vampire...

Edward Cullen: Wait, what? No, no I'm a UPS Delivery Driver.

Isabella Swan: I'm not afraid. You can trust me with your secret. I'm sure that my feminine neck odors turn you on and yet make you want to drink my blood. I bet you can't control yourself sometimes when you're around me because you want so bad to sink you're fangs into my neck. I bet I'm you're own personal heroin.

Edward Cullen: Whoa, wait a second. I'm a delivery driver for UPS. No- see that's the reason we don't eat or drink anything--so that we can travel great distances and not have to stop to rest or eat. And the reason why I'm icy cold is because I have poor circulation. You know that. By the way, who says "I'm your heroin"on a first date? Who does that? Like what? I'm going to inject you and...stand on a corner all night screaming at invisible ninjas?

Isabella Swan: Oh don't play coy with me Edward. I love you, I love you in spite of the fact that you probably feel really bad that you're a cold blooded killer--a monster!

Edward Cullen: Oh wow!

Isabella Swan: It's the reason why you're eyes change color.

Edward Cullen: Wait! They only did that because you flashed a red laser pointer in them in biology class!

Isabella Swan: The reason why you ran really quick to save me when that van almost ran into me.

Edward Cullen: No, no that van actually hit you. You were in a coma for like 9 months. Wait, you seriously don't remember that?

Isabella Swan: It's the reason why you're skin is like beautiful diamonds when reflected in the sun.

Edward Cullen: That was sweat. I just got done running up this hill to show you my fast delivery driver skills. Wow. You're-you're kinda crazier than I expected and...

Isabella Swan: It's how you manage to watch me sleep every night and I see you briefly then when I blink--you're gone!

Edward Cullen: Uh- I'm gonna leave now. Not that this wasn't fun or anything but... There's that biology assignment that's due so...(slowly backs away)

Isabella Swan: Oh Edward! I want to be yours forever. Bite me Edward, bite me and I'll be your immortal bride!

Edward Cullen: So I'm going to go now and...this was fun! So thanks's just that I've got to go're away at a sprint looking over his shoulder to make sure she's not following him)

Mr Cullen continues "that chick was seriously crazy. I mean sure she was cute so I asked her out but...dang. Vampire? Wow, that chick was messed up man. She read so many romance novels in high school, I don't think she new reality from her stories. Plus she kind of had this...body odor problem, that's why I gagged the first time she stepped in front of that fan. It was epic! Wow! That's all I can say."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The noble act of Family Protection

Quote From "Family Guy"
Petey: Hi, Im Petey the Pistol! Say, do you ever get lonely?
Boy: Yes...
Petey: Me too... Hold me.
If you squeeze me, I make bad people go away!

**It should be noted that I personally don't have a problem with gun ownership at all. I do however get a chuckle from people saying that the only reason they own a gun is for family protection which, afterall, is silly nonsense**
The Birth of a Nation: Protecting Her Citizens
In that eventful year of 1776, after our Founding Fathers had defeated the British and had driven them back across the pond, they saw fit to draft articles of beliefs to outline their new freedoms. In their infinite foresight the Founding Fathers saw it necessary to declare that every man, woman, and child has one universal and inalienable right:
The right to take a weapon of uncontrollable power and blow the hell out of thy enemies.
Our Founding Fathers knew even then that this right would lead to greater harmony in the world, would restore safety to impoverished areas of the country(so-called slums like Chicago, Compton, and Manhattan), and never be used for evil, never to take unjust advantage of another human being, and most of all never to be used for criminal purposes.

This week we salute you, the Second Amendment!
Gun owners come in all shapes and sizes. Big ones, small ones. Manly ones, feminine ones. Middle class gun owners, and Mullet sporting redneck gun-toting NRA wacko's who thought Charleton Heston was President of "these here United States" from the 1950's til 2006.
Some gun owners like to spend their time at a secure shooting range and others like to "shoot out back da trailer with der baby mama while the young'ins watch their daddy use a semi to blow holes in the ol' family Buick." And while there is much diversity between those who own guns there is one universal code that all gun owners use to defend their noble right to own a gun:
"To Protect My Family."

Gun Safety Rules:
1. A gun should always be stored in a safe, secure place. Preferably on a tall shelf or closet out of reach from small children.
2. Guns should be kept in a gun safe.
3. Optimally you should have a trigger lock on your gun.
4. Guns should never be left loaded when not in use.
5. Bullets for the gun should be kept completely separate from the gun and also in a high secure place.

Because intruders respect gun safety rules and would never want you to disobey any of them, they will invariably follow a set of guidelines when attempting to rob you or place your family in danger necessitating use of your gun. This will happen in one of two ways:

Scenario 1: A friendly reminder
Dear Mr. Anderson,
My name is John and I am "emailing" you today to tell you that tomorrow night at 2 a.m. I will be breaking into your house using the second window to the right on the east side of your house. I thought I'd let you know before hand so that you can make sure that your gun is unlocked, that you've loaded bullets into it, and are ready for me. I may stop to get a sandwich first before so lets make it 2-2:40. I am really looking forward to stealing your family's valuables lol :)

Yours in Armed Aggression,

John Eggert

Scenario 2: Common Courtesy
Scene: The scene is inside a 2-story home in the middle of the night. A man and his wife are sleeping in their bed while down the hall their 2 children are asleep in their rooms. Outside the house a man dressed in black removes the screen to the master bedroom window and is able to pull the window open and climb into the room. This noise startles the man and his wife awake. The man turns on the lamp. The intruder pulls out a gun.
Intruder: Where are the valuables? Give 'em to me or I'll shoot you!
Man: Now you just wait one second sir, you can't speak to me that way. I'm a gun owner. Would you mind giving me a second to arm myself. I bought a gun just for these circumstances, and I'll be darned if you're not going to let me use it.
Intruder: Well, okay. But hurry up, the bus comes in 15 minutes and I can't miss it. My shift at McDonalds starts in half an hour.
Man: Oh sure. Yes, well give me just a second. Now, lets see. Oh there's a stepping stool. (to intruder) We keep our gun on the top shelf of our closet so that our kids can't get to it as easy.
Intruder: Well obviously. There's nothing more important than safe gun practices. You never want kids getting harmed, it hurts getting shot... You know, it's nice to see that some folks still take gun safety seriously.
Man: Give me just one second. (Pulls the stepping stool to the closet and pulls down a case and sets it on the bed.) Now lets see, honey where did I put that key for the lock?
Wife: (to intruder) He loses everything. I swear, he'd lose his head if it weren't attached. Dear, it's in the top left dresser drawer under your favorite pair of black socks
Man: Oh,that's right. (pulls open the drawer. takes the key. unlocks the safe) Now this will just take a moment. (to intruder)Hey, while you're waiting, would you like the Misses to make you a cup of hot cocoa? She makes a mean cocoa.
Intruder: No, I've really got to get going. Can't you hurry?
Man: Oh I do apologize. Now are you sure you wouldn't like to go next door to the Anderson's, maybe you could rob them first and come back? John's just got a big promotion so I'm sure they've got some good stuff. I just hate to waste your time.
Wife: (to intruder)Will you listen to him, honestly, he's always trying to get people to shoot the neighbor. What a character!
Intruder: Oh I wish I had time for that, but I do have that bus to catch.
Man: Would it help if I were to drive you to the bus stop after we're done here? I'd be more than willing to.
Intruder: No, no, no. Don't be silly, I wouldn't want to be a burden.
Man: Yes I'm almost ready for you. Okay, now where's the key to my trigger lock? Hmm...
Wife: Honey, you left it in your blue coveralls. Remember you used your keys earlier when you were out in the garage?
Man: Oh, here they are (unlocks the trigger)
Intruder: Are you ready now?
Man: Now hang on a second sir, you know it's not good gun safety to keep the gun loaded. I don't want my kids finding it and blowing their brains out now do I? I have to get the bullets in the chamber. They're out in the garage. I'll be back in a jiffy. Are you sure you didn't want cocoa?
Intruder: Well. Okay, but hurry.
Man: It'll only take a second.
(Wife exits to kitchen. Man goes to garage)
(Inside garage man looks around for something to stand on. Locates a couple boxes and stacks them on top of each other. Climbs up, moves 3 boxes aside pulls out a small box)

Man: (to himself) Hmm, I wonder if I should just put one bullet in, or in case I miss when I shoot should I put in a couple? Gosh it's so hard to know these things (finishes loading the gun, walks back into the house, into the kitchen where the intruder is still pointing his gun at the woman and sipping cocoa) Alright! I'm ready to defend myself mister! You can't harm my family!
(points gun at intruder)

So go forth, noble gun owner, and protect thy family. And in so doing you make our nation a safer one! Thy logic is sound, thy reasoning just. Our Nation is a better place to live because of her mighty weapons of destruction.