Adventures in Wal-mart (or why we all hate Wal-mart but still shop there)

I created this blog because I'd love to be a comedy writer for a tv series or for a stand up comedian some day so this is my attempt at getting practice and getting feedback. I see odd things in life and like to report them from my point of view. If you decide to read it, tell me what you think, give suggestions. It'd be nice to develop this talent.

Why we hate Wal-Mart

A recent study showed that the average Americans number one fear is shopping at Walmart. Now for the last 50 years the number one fear of Americans was Public Speaking but now most people would rather speak in public, have a limb cut off ,or even suffer through another Will Ferrell movie before they'd go to Walmart.
I don't like going into Walmart. Hate it. It's the worst thing in the world. First of all when you pull in to the parking lot you have people in their cars circling the parking lot looking for the perfect spot. They're like vultures. The second they see backup lights on someones car they all swarm to the spot to get it. In the process they kill 5 pedestrians and total 3 cars. It's like going to a Monster Truck Rally, except you don't have to pay, there are no restraining rails, and even senior citizens are getting in on the action. And people don't know how to park at Walmart either so good luck getting a spot. Especially people with big trucks. People with big trucks are the worst parkers ever and they're proud of it. They jump out of their truck, find the nearest person and say "hey man, check out that sweet park job. She's a beaut' aint she?" "Oh yeah, yeah. No, it's totally normal to parallel park into 4 parking spaces. I mean it's not really a parallel parking spot, you just drive into it, but no, no your method is better." Of course people who drive big trucks, you can't expect too much from them anyway, you know? I mean, you can't set the bar too high for a guy who wears skin tight jeans, a belt buckle the size of a hub cap, and is missing 4 or 5 teeth. I mean you know his parents were cousins so you have to let him off the hook a little. Right?
After you finally find a spot you had better remember where you parked because they don't have parking stall numbers like Disney Land. It'd be awesome though if they did. You know like Wal-mart themed parking sections. "K honey don't forget we're in section 'Jim the Surly Greeter' 5th row 30th spot."

Wal-mart isn't a store that you go in to just to browse either. You've got to know what you want and where to find it because if you don't you're sunk. You can't ask the sales associates.

Have you ever tried to stop an associate in Wal-Mart? It's impossible. It's like they've got some sort of special Wal-mart standard issued sonar so that they can navigate through the store without helping a single customer. But even if you could catch one it doesn't make sense to ask the associates anything-they don't know where anything is. That's why they're the only store in the world where the associates don't rush up to you and say "is there anything I can help you find?" most of the time they're asking you where to find something. If I want to find anything in Walmart I ask the mother with a load of kids in her shopping cart, or the Hispanic people. Those people have the store mapped out, they've even been spotted climbing through the ventilation system in case there's a sale and they need to get to the front of the line quickly. Got the whole place mapped out. But the sales people? Forget it. I was walking down an aisle the other day at Walmart looking for tooth paste and I hear this employee say "Son of a B%*#@, Hey guys! Did you know we sell tupperware? I got to pick me up some of dat" His name tag said "10 years serving you" 10 years and he just discovered the tupperware.
Doesn't make any sense. I ran into a Wal-mart associate the other day, "Hey Man," I said, " do you know where the batteries are?" The dude came unravelled. He started crying and said "Man, my shift was over 3 days ago. I can't find my way out of here. Yesterday I had to go #2 in a corner over by sporting goods because I can't find the bathroom in this place."

One thing to watch out for in walmart is blind corners. I can't tell you how many times I've almost died trying to turn a corner in that place and some woman with 8 kids hanging off the side of the cart zoom by. All her kids pointed at me and laughed. You know how their website it says "Suggestions? Contact us" I wrote in "Install stop lights in that place!" Now that's an idea. Stop lights in Walmart. Then you can have one of their senior citizens patrolling the place with segways handing out tickets to people who run a red light.

And their lay-out makes no sense either. It's like if I want liquid hand soap I have to go to the far left of the store, it's over by the amunition. If I want the bar hand soap I have to make the 40 mile treck to the right side of the store. It's next to aluminum foils.

And if you lose a kid in there forget it, he's gone. In some states they start having you fill out waivers before you can shop there. "I hereby agree that should I lose any persons in the store I immediately forfeit them to the Walmart corporation and it's entities." A couple months later you spot your lost 5 year old kid wearing a blue apron with the Wal-mart logo and giving out free samples of cheese, of course now he's got a faded tattoo and when he talks you can't understand a word he says because he's picked up the habit of mumbling like the rest of his co-workers.

I think Wal-mart employees do have to have one qualification: they have to speak "PA system." None of the rest of us understand it but when we hear the PA system warning noise and then the voice speaks they all look up and seem to know exactly what she said. You see them nodding their heads "I couldn't agree more." What is that?
And the dressing rooms there are a joke. I think they use the dressing rooms for storage of overly large novelty bra's that no woman would ever buy, you know the ones with pink flamingos on them that are big enough the new kid they just hired is using it as a hammock. I mean whoever the buyer is for Walmart should be fired. Maybe he's thinking "In case of the apocolypse, people will be frantically looking for supersized bra's to use as shelter, and we'll have the market on them." But if you want to try something on and you ask the attendant she just looks at you blankly like she's never realized that those stalls behind her are for trying on clothes. If you have the good fortune to meet some employee who seems to realize they work at the fitting room they'll still not let you in. They say "dressing room hours are over. We're closed." Are you kidding me? A store that stays open 24 hours a day and you have to make special reservations to try on a T-shirt?

Anyway...just my thoughts