Creepy Pete and the birth of the Zoo

Creepy Pete then and now

Up the road from where I work is the friendliest team of salespeople I've ever met. They work at Harts gas station and while their job isn't particularly glamorous they're always enthusiastic, personable, and friendly.

Creepy Pete is the front runner of this team of stellar sales associates. Creepy Pete's in his sixties. He's tall, balding, bespectacled, and always has his top two shirt buttons undone. Creeping up over his shirt collar is a bushy main of graying chest hair- he has more chest hair creeping up over his shirt collar than most people have on their entire body (there's a good chance he's growing it out to donate to locks of love...). But that's not why we call him Creepy Pete. He's got that twangy, nice-guy-up-the-street-who-is-really-friendly-but-kinda-creepy style and sometimes words fly out of his mouth that make you turn and stare at him in awe like "I'm not sure if that really came out of your mouth...and I'm not sure if I should laugh or squirm in discomfort." He got the name Creepy Pete when one day we went into Harts on a break. At the cash register my friend asked me if I was going to get a Pepsi, I told him I was giving up cafffeine. Creepy Pete chimed in "I'd rather you give up sex than caffeine. I can't make money off sex habits, but I can make money off caffeine habits." We both looked at him baffled and gave a perfunctory smile, then walked out. My friend went ghostly white. From then on he became known as Creepy Pete. Sometimes we walk in and he's totally normal, sometimes we walk in and he'll squawk like a bird in our direction or make some off-hand comment. I've wondered how a person like Creepy Pete got his start in a lucrative career such as working as a Sales Attendent at a gas station in American Fork Utah...since I don't know, I've made it up. What follows is Creepy Pete's Back Story:

Creepy Pete: The historical contributions of a weirdo
The turn of the 19th century brought an exciting era of prosperity, innovation, and sexually transmitted diseases to America (The std's have no part in this story but I don't feel we can ignore that they existed so...). All around the nation new arenas for entertainment were being devised daily. One in particular was the world-renowned "Coney Island" in New York. In May of 1903 Mr. Zooloco Broslowski bartered the services of his 7 year old son Pete to pay for his wiskey habit to the famed but cruel Master of the Coney Island Freak Show, Igor Radmanovich.

Mr. Radmanovich was a brutal perfectionist who put Pete in charge of cleaning the circus freak's cages. Although he loved the circus freaks he took care of, Pete was miserable. His master, Igor, would beat him severally with his wooden cane if he left even one of the bearded lady's feeding dishes dirty, or didn't pick up every peice of the circus midget's poop. After the park closed and his master had passed out with a bottle of cognac in hand, Pete would play bridge with the midgets (although he later admitted they were stinking filthy cheats), horse-whip the Bearded lady to keep her emitting testosterone, and practice his yodelling with Aquaman. He greatly enjoyed his alone time after Igor passed out and would dream of escaping with his friends and going into business himself.

One night Pete woke his friends shortly after Igor passed out. He gathered all of the freaks together and told them he had devised a plan for them to leave their wicked master and go into business themselves (all except for Aquaman, with whom he had been at enmity after Aquaman tried to harpoon him at the Halloween Party). They all agreed to Pete's plan, hopped into the back of Igor's hauling truck and drove away. They continued to drive until at last the truck broke down. They named the little place where they landed Omaha, Nebraska which, in Circus Midget tongue, means "dumpy flat land that normal people wouldn't move to to save their lives". Here, they decided, is where they would start their new lives and gain great fortune. They named their new show the "Zoo" after Pete's alcoholic father. They set up paddocks for each of the circus freaks where people could adore them, they set up booths for the kiddies to play games, and invented snack foods to sell at their new "concession stands." One treat Pete was particularly proud of was his Greasy Spearchucker, a treat that took an ordinary stick of butter and deep fried it (later the name was changed when it was determined the name "spearchucker" was a racial slur).
At first only the local "Indians" would come to their show-- they loved watching the white man make a fool of himself. While most of the circus freaks were too afraid to confront the Indian's harrassment (it is common knowledge that Indians turn into werewolfs at midnight much the same way Chinese men turn into tigers at midnight) the bearded lady wasn't afraid. One day as they approached her paddock, the young Indian boys started throwing their Greasy Spearchuckers at her. The bearded lady withstood their abuse for a few minutes before she stopped in the middle of her yodelling routine, jumped down from her stage and bit clean through one of the Indian boy's calf muscles and dragged him back to her feeding area and devoured him.
News of the bearded ladies actions spread and there was some worry about the safety of Pete's zoo and Pete decided he'd have to build cages for his freaks to keep his visitors safe. As time passed his zoo became more and more popular, not because of his circus freaks, but because of the potential threat of dangerous creatures behind bars. As the years passed Pete's zoo continued to grow. More and more people developed Zoo's of their own to showcase their circus freaks and enjoyed great prosperity...until the 60's. The hippy movement brought with it the notion by some radicals that caging human-like creatures was unethical.
Over time Pete slowly replaced his circus freaks with exotic animals, but it came at a cost. Pete believed the heart and soul of a zoo lied in showcasing weirdo circus freaks. Although the new animals were interesting to look at, they didn't compare to the circus freaks to Pete. He soon left the Zoo business to pursue his first love "Gas Station Attendancy" where he has worked ever since. While most don't know he was the founder of the modern zoo, every now and then he lets out a squawk at a random customer, or say some raunchy thing he learned from the bearded woman- and he gets a gleam in his eye, and a tear trickles down his cheek for his old friends.

Twilight- From Edward's Point of View

The multi-million copy selling book Twilight takes readers through the experiences of teenaged love and angst from the point of view of a young woman named Bella Swan. While many teenage girls swoon over their story and themselves become delusional enough to seek out their own vampire lover--Bella's supposed "boyfriend" Edward Cullen recently set the record straight when he wrote what really happened on their first date.

Isabella Swan: [to Edward] I know what you are. You're impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is... pale white, and ice cold. your eyes change color. and sometimes you speak like like your from a different time. you never eat or drink any thing. you don't go into the sunlight.

Isabella Swan: How old are you?

Edward Cullen: Seventeen.

Isabella Swan: How long have you been seventeen?

Edward Cullen: ...a while.

Isabella Swan: I know what you are.

Edward Cullen: Say it, out loud say it.

Isabella Swan: Vampire...

Edward Cullen: Wait, what? No, no I'm a UPS Delivery Driver.

Isabella Swan: I'm not afraid. You can trust me with your secret. I'm sure that my feminine neck odors turn you on and yet make you want to drink my blood. I bet you can't control yourself sometimes when you're around me because you want so bad to sink you're fangs into my neck. I bet I'm you're own personal heroin.

Edward Cullen: Whoa, wait a second. No...no I'm a delivery driver for UPS. No- see that's the reason we don't eat or drink anything--so that we can travel great distances and not have to stop to rest or eat. And the reason why I'm icy cold is because I have poor circulation. You know that. By the way, who says "I'm your heroin"on a first date? Who does that? Like what? I'm going to inject you and...stand on a corner all night screaming at invisible ninjas?

Isabella Swan: Oh don't play coy with me Edward. I love you, I love you in spite of the fact that you probably feel really bad that you're a cold blooded killer--a monster!

Edward Cullen: Oh wow!

Isabella Swan: It's the reason why you're eyes change color.

Edward Cullen: Wait! They only did that because you flashed a red laser pointer in them in biology class!

Isabella Swan: The reason why you ran really quick to save me when that van almost ran into me.

Edward Cullen: No, no that van actually hit you. You were in a coma for like 9 months. Wait, you seriously don't remember that?

Isabella Swan: It's the reason why you're skin is like beautiful diamonds when reflected in the sun.

Edward Cullen: That was sweat. I just got done running up this hill to show you my fast delivery driver skills. Wow. You're-you're kinda crazier than I expected and...

Isabella Swan: It's how you manage to watch me sleep every night and I see you briefly then when I blink--you're gone!

Edward Cullen: Uh- I'm gonna leave now. Not that this wasn't fun or anything but... There's that biology assignment that's due so...(slowly backs away)

Isabella Swan: Oh Edward! I want to be yours forever. Bite me Edward, bite me and I'll be your immortal bride!

Edward Cullen: So I'm going to go now and...this was fun! So thanks for...it's just that I've got to go and...you're crazy...so....(runs away at a sprint looking over his shoulder to make sure she's not following him)

Mr Cullen continues "that chick was seriously crazy. I mean sure she was cute so I asked her out but...dang. Vampire? Wow, that chick was messed up man. She read so many romance novels in high school, I don't think she new reality from her stories. Plus she kind of had this...body odor problem, that's why I gagged the first time she stepped in front of that fan. It was epic! Wow! That's all I can say."

The noble act of Family Protection

Quote From "Family Guy"
Petey: Hi, Im Petey the Pistol! Say, do you ever get lonely?
Boy: Yes...
Petey: Me too... Hold me.
If you squeeze me, I make bad people go away!

**It should be noted that I personally don't have a problem with gun ownership at all. I do however get a chuckle from people saying that the only reason they own a gun is for family protection which, afterall, is silly nonsense**
The Birth of a Nation: Protecting Her Citizens
In that eventful year of 1776, after our Founding Fathers had defeated the British and had driven them back across the pond, they saw fit to draft articles of beliefs to outline their new freedoms. In their infinite foresight the Founding Fathers saw it necessary to declare that every man, woman, and child has one universal and inalienable right: The right to take a weapon of uncontrollable power and blow the hell out of thy enemies.
Our Founding Fathers knew even then that this right would lead to greater harmony in the world, would restore safety to impoverished areas of the country(so-called slums like Chicago, Compton, and Manhattan), and never be used for evil, never to take unjust advantage of another human being, and most of all never to be used for criminal purposes.

This week we salute you, the Second Amendment!
Gun owners come in all shapes and sizes. Big ones, small ones. Manly ones, feminine ones. Middle class gun owners, and Mullet sporting redneck gun-toting NRA wacko's who thought Charleton Heston was President of "these here United States" from the 1950's til 2006.
Some gun owners like to spend their time at a secure shooting range and others like to "shoot out back da trailer with der baby mama while the young'ins watch their daddy use a semi to blow holes in the ol' family Buick." And while there is much diversity between those who own guns there is one universal code that all gun owners use to defend their noble right to own a gun: "To Protect My Family."

Gun Safety Rules:
1. A gun should always be stored in a safe, secure place. Preferably on a tall shelf or closet out of reach from small children.
2. Guns should be kept in a gun safe.
3. Optimally you should have a trigger lock on your gun.
4. Guns should never be left loaded when not in use.
5. Bullets for the gun should be kept completely separate from the gun and also in a high secure place.


Because intruders respect gun safety rules and would never want you to disobey any of them, they will invariably follow a set of guidelines when attempting to rob you or place your family in danger necessitating use of your gun. This will happen in one of two ways:

Scenario 1: A friendly reminder
Dear Mr. Anderson,
My name is John and I am "emailing" you today to tell you that tomorrow night at 2 a.m. I will be breaking into your house using the second window to the right on the east side of your house. I thought I'd let you know before hand so that you can make sure that your gun is unlocked, that you've loaded bullets into it, and are ready for me. I may stop to get a sandwich first before so lets make it 2-2:40. I am really looking forward to stealing your family's valuables lol :)

Yours in Armed Aggression,
John Eggert


Scenario 2: Common Courtesy
Scene: The scene is inside a 2-story home in the middle of the night. A man and his wife are sleeping in their bed while down the hall their 2 children are asleep in their rooms. Outside the house a man dressed in black removes the screen to the master bedroom window and is able to pull the window open and climb into the room. This noise startles the man and his wife awake. The man turns on the lamp. The intruder pulls out a gun.
Intruder: Where are the valuables? Give 'em to me or I'll shoot you!
Man: Now you just wait one second sir, you can't speak to me that way. I'm a gun owner. Would you mind giving me a second to arm myself. I bought a gun just for these circumstances, and I'll be darned if you're not going to let me use it.
Intruder: Well, okay. But hurry up, the bus comes in 15 minutes and I can't miss it. My shift at McDonalds starts in half an hour.
Man: Oh sure. Yes, well give me just a second. Now, lets see. Oh there's a stepping stool. (to intruder) We keep our gun on the top shelf of our closet so that our kids can't get to it as easy.
Intruder: Well obviously. There's nothing more important than safe gun practices. You never want kids getting harmed, it hurts getting shot... You know, it's nice to see that some folks still take gun safety seriously.
Man: Give me just one second. (Pulls the stepping stool to the closet and pulls down a case and sets it on the bed.) Now lets see, honey where did I put that key for the lock?
Wife: (to intruder) He loses everything. I swear, he'd lose his head if it weren't attached. Dear, it's in the top left dresser drawer under your favorite pair of black socks
Man: Oh,that's right. (pulls open the drawer. takes the key. unlocks the safe) Now this will just take a moment. (to intruder)Hey, while you're waiting, would you like the Misses to make you a cup of hot cocoa? She makes a mean cocoa.
Intruder: No, I've really got to get going. Can't you hurry?
Man: Oh I do apologize. Now are you sure you wouldn't like to go next door to the Anderson's, maybe you could rob them first and come back? John's just got a big promotion so I'm sure they've got some good stuff. I just hate to waste your time.
Wife: (to intruder)Will you listen to him, honestly, he's always trying to get people to shoot the neighbor. What a character!
Intruder: Oh I wish I had time for that, but I do have that bus to catch.
Man: Would it help if I were to drive you to the bus stop after we're done here? I'd be more than willing to.
Intruder: No, no, no. Don't be silly, I wouldn't want to be a burden.
Man: Yes I'm almost ready for you. Okay, now where's the key to my trigger lock? Hmm...
Wife: Honey, you left it in your blue coveralls. Remember you used your keys earlier when you were out in the garage?
Man: Oh, here they are (unlocks the trigger)
Intruder: Are you ready now?
Man: Now hang on a second sir, you know it's not good gun safety to keep the gun loaded. I don't want my kids finding it and blowing their brains out now do I? I have to get the bullets in the chamber. They're out in the garage. I'll be back in a jiffy. Are you sure you didn't want cocoa?
Intruder: Well. Okay, but hurry.
Man: It'll only take a second.
(Wife exits to kitchen. Man goes to garage)
(Inside garage man looks around for something to stand on. Locates a couple boxes and stacks them on top of each other. Climbs up, moves 3 boxes aside pulls out a small box)
Man: (to himself) Hmm, I wonder if I should just put one bullet in, or in case I miss when I shoot should I put in a couple? Gosh it's so hard to know these things (finishes loading the gun, walks back into the house, into the kitchen where the intruder is still pointing his gun at the woman and sipping cocoa) Alright! I'm ready to defend myself mister! You can't harm my family! (points gun at intruder)

So go forth, noble gun owner, and protect thy family. And in so doing you make our nation a safer one! Thy logic is sound, thy reasoning just. Our Nation is a better place to live because of her mighty weapons of destruction.

Fond Memories of MJ and Other News

Looking back over the past year we have lost many cultural icons. Perhaps no one will be remembered more than Michael Jackson. Around the world people are hosting their tributes to Michael and sharing fond memories of the entertainer. As part of my tribute I wanted to post a few news articles written by me earlier this year about the King of Pop. It should be noted that while his personal life was a fun target for anyone wanting to draw a smile and an awkard laugh from another, his music and legacy are truly remarkable and respectable. He truly was the King of Pop.



New US Ambassador to Disneyland
(AP 2/23/09) President Obama recently named former black entertainer and current white entertainer Michael Jackson as the U.S.’s newest Ambassador to DisneyLand with a particular emphasis on the “Small World” ride. President Obama praised his newest Ambassador by saying “Mr./Ms. Jackson has a proven track record with children and has displayed exemplary service and interest in the field of pre-teen entertainment studies.”
In his acceptance speech Mr./Ms. Jackson encouraged his new benefactors/victims “Children of the world unite! Now is the time to break the shackles of anyone aged 15 and over.”

In response to this newest appointment radio host Rush Limbaugh lambasted the President and his newest appointee by saying “I hope he fails, when the liberal media appoints...blah blah blah (this latter part is paraphrased by our editors to reflect the true substantive meaning of Mr. Limbaugh’s words.) Meanwhile Republicans responded to Mr Limbaugh’s comments by releasing a statement “My Gosh man, what is this 1996 where we care about what Rush Limbaugh thinks? Why does he think he's relevant anymore? And why won’t he shut up for crying out loud? He’s ruining our chances in 2012.”

On the other side of the aisle Democrats responded to Mr. Limbaugh’s comments by saying “Does anyone else think that this guy looks like Biff from Back to the Future 2? You know when Marty goes back to 1985 but it has changed and Biff runs a casino?” (see pic below released by Nancy Pelosi and her parrot Harry Reid whom, we've just learned to our surprise, is actually a Senator and not just someone that sits on Pelosi's shoulder repeating what she says and eating crackers)


In other news...
Earlier this year when Venezuelan Stefania Fernandez was named Miss Universe 2009 the world celebrated the newly crowned Miss Universe...the problem is she isn't the prettiest woman in the entire universe.

Around the galaxy outrage has replaced universal peace as Ms. Sc*~u69 Jolorpian of Planet SP98445A* is once again left out of the competition. Ms. Sc*~u69, regarded by many planets as far and away the most beautiful female in the Universe, has been repeatedly left out of competitions that include "universe" in the title. Earlier this year, while visiting with Michelle Obama, she complained to the President's wife ">h4ei$&jkdpfelale{+^^&" which translated into English from her native language means "Come on Michelle, this is absurd! I mean why call it a universal pageant when clearly they don't accept anyone outside of the planet earth! That isn't universal"

Ms. Sc*~u69 Jolorpian has tried numerous times to enter so-called "Universal Pagents" including the "Ms Universal Milkmaid," "Ms Universal Brewmeister," "Lil' Miss Universal Meter-maid" and "Lil Miss Universal Feminist"with no luck. "They've done everything possible to disqualify me from their pageants," complained Ms. Sc*~u69 in a recent interview with US weekly, "from saying that I couldn't be Lil Miss Universal Meter-Maid because on my planet we don't use meters for parking our cars, to saying that beer on my planet is closer to Crystal Pepsi (a 90's fad soft drink made by Pepsi-Cola) so I couldn't possibly be Ms Brewmeister, or planting pot in my car before I went on stage for the Lil Miss Universal Feminist...this is a scandal and I want restitution."

Ms. Sc*~u69 has been slowly gaining support here on planet earth by groups threatening to file a class action law suit on her behalf but because these groups are comprised mostly of Trekkie Nerds, World of War Craft fanatics, and other late-20's males who can't get a date on planet earth, it's safe to say that she hasn't got a prayer.

And finally in the world of Sports...

Today Chicago's bid for the 2016 Olympics was lost to skeptical committee members. In leading up to the city's Olympics bid Mayor Richard M. Daly has spent millions of dollars in an attempt to clean up the overly congested, polluted, and crime-ridden city. Where it was not possible to fully clean up the city the Mayor pitched to the Olympic Committe ideas for new Olympic Events. In his speach to the committe he said "Think of the dynamics of an Olympics in Chicago. We could add hobo tossing, long and short distance immigrant billy clubbing (a call back to Chicago's early 20th century history), 50 yard dashing away from crack dealers, pole-vaulting pimps, and drug raiding as Olympic Events. The marketing practically sells itself." While many agreed that these indeed would add an American appeal to the Olympics, it was agreed that no one wanted to spend any time in a dump like Chicago.