Breaking News: The missing link

(AP September 25 by Peter Case)This week President Obama released the fourth of what most certainly will be many biographies about himself. Having already written 3 books about himself, President Obama told reporters at a book signing event in Vermont, “After my terms as President are over, and my Presidential Library is constructed it is my dream that more than half the books in there are about me, this is what America needs right now, a Library of Hope.”
The book entitled Barack as I Want to Be is pretty much a word for word replication of his best-selling book The Audacity of Hope except that there is an entire chapter dedicated to his experience running for President. Before the book was even released it drew a lot of criticism from the Republican Party over the publication of a never-before heard speech lambasting his former rival Senator John McCain (R-Az) in it then Senator Obama claims:
“I'll tell you why you don't want to vote for my opponent. Ya see, John McCain clubs and eats baby seals. I’ve seen him do it, it’s kinda icky. Once I ran into him at the cafeteria of the Senate and he was perched over a bowl of dead seal. He asked ‘you wanna get in on this action?’ It was kinda sick. I threw up a little in my mouth.”

While many Republicans protest the President’s accusations in this book, claiming that they are “absurd, ridiculous, improbable and disgusting,” and that they “further rub salt in the wounds of a national hero,” in recent days various evidence has come forth that may substantiate the President’s claims including an interview between NBC’s Meredith Viera and Senator McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin. The interview was never released during the campaign due to a hefty donation to NBC’s broadcasting company by Republican Squawk- Box and all around jack-ass Shaun Hannitty. In it Governor Palin says:
“John McCain and I agree on a number of issues, and I believe he is the best qualified to run our country. True, I was a little mad when he vacationed in Alaska last summer and got arrested for loitering by the ocean in nothing but a loin cloth and clubbing and eating baby seals. I promptly ordered his release from prison, so…he owed me big time. But other than that, we get along great….I mean I wish he’d stay away from Bristol, I can’t understand what he wants with my 18 year old daughter? With all of Cindy’s plastic surgery 90%of his wife is now less than 18 years old. Isn’t that good enough?”

These reports have led to a national investigation of Senator McCain. While the investigation is ongoing a picture that was discovered on Senator McCain’s California Ranch was leaked to the press (see top of article). An inscription on the back reads “John’s younger brother Gollum ‘79”. From the evidence gathered it would appear that Gollum Rupert McCain was born in 1947 and is the younger brother of Senator John McCain. Gollum has gained recognition as the creature who found the One Ring after moving to middle-earth and shortly after losing it to a dim-witted Hobbit (a type of midget with hairy feet) he was captured and tortured by the Dark Lord then sent to find and bring him the One Ring. He is also known for over using the word “precious,” wandering around in nothing but a loin cloth (most likely a habit he picked up from his hippie days in the sixties where he and his now estranged brother John were roadies for the Grateful Dead), and eating live fish.

A member of the investigation team, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity, said “This is the ace in the hole. This family tie may be the strongest argument confirming Senator McCain’s appetite for baby seals. The family resemblance is huge. Both loiter in loin cloths, both eat raw aquatic species, both are balding with a terrible comb-over, and both have the kind of temper that makes you think 'My gosh this guy is going to snap my neck at any moment'. This could be huge.”

And while the verdict is still out, it’s safe to say “Sea World, lock your gates, Johnny’s coming home and he’s hungry.”

Update: A local reporter recently cornered Senator McCain and pressed him to answer the allegations that he is guilty of eating baby seals and that he is related to the creature Gollum. With his distinctive convulsing-under-the-immense-strain-of-bottling-up-his-rage mannerisms, Senator McCain responded, “My friend, to answer your question: No, I absolutely don’t eat those adorable little animals. That’s the liberal media trying to distract you from the point here—Universal Health Care. Yes, Gollum is my little brother. And it saddens me. He used to be so handsome until he moved to Canada. Now it’s thanks to Canada’s socialized health care that he’s hideous.”

Childrens Books for the 21st Century

Here at Petersmusings we understand that our world around us is changing. Never before has it been more important to teach our children about the changing world around us. In conjunction with Hamani "Bo" Po'oi & Co, in the coming months we're launching our new line of Childrens Books that face diversity head on in fun and imaginative ways! Here is a glimpse of upcoming titles:

Our line of religious childrens "Are You There" books delve into the diversity of Religion:

"Are You There Allah? It's Me Ahmed"
A young boy learns the joys of being Muslim

"Are You There Ganesha, Shiva, Krishna, Rama, Hanuman, Vishnu, Lakshmi, Durga, Kali, and Saraswati? It's Me Akanksha"
A Hindu Girl learns what it means to not be a Christian

"Are You There Darwin? It's me Jeffery"
A young boy is confused because his parent's don't believe in anything

Our line of coping with disease books share experiences of other children who battle with disease

"Are You there Grandpa? It's me Barry"
A young boy learns that his Grandpa has Alzheimers


"Romona has HIV Because her Mother Lived Through the Sixties"
A story about a little girl and her puppy Needles who learn of and how to cope with Auto Immune Diseases. With a special guest appearance by Freddy Mercury's Zombie Corpse

"Chaz's Daddy Drinks a Funny Brown Liquid and Gets Real Mean"
After learning that his Daddy is a drunk, Chaz meets a new friend, Tina Turner, who teaches him how to cope with a loved one's addiction to alchohol

"Wanda's Adventures with Scoliosis"

"Billy's Sister is Going Through a Magical Change...and Gets Really Grumpy Once a Month"
Discovering the horrors of familial menstruation

"Ruperts Dad the Wife Beater"
After his daddy takes a ride in a police car, Rupert learns why it's wrong to hit women

"Mommy's new nose...and other assorted parts"
An encounter with Rhinoplasty

"Dkwan's First Mugging"
A kids guide to growing up in Brooklyn

The Jockey: Friend or Foe?

In this week's edition of my musings we get an in depth look at an often misunderstood creature: the jockey







As the Kentucky Derby drew more attention this year than in times past, there has been a sudden up-surge in interest in all things horseracing. More and more children are envisioning the glory of becoming a Jockey, little girls are once again requesting ponies for Christmas, and the elderly admire the agility and so-called youthful exuberance of these tiny riders. Because of this new cult trend of Jockey admiring our scientists conducted a thorough search into the world of the Jockeys. Below are the findings of our study:

The "jockey" is a hybrid creature of man's creation. He has no magical powers. As such, he should not be considered a threat to you or your family


They're a wily bunch; Closer to trolls or goblins, than humans. And a jockey's cry is said to be fatal


The Jockey prefers to live a solitary existence and is mostly found in dense wooded areas. A solitary hunter the Jockey mainly subsists on a diet of raccoon, squirrel, and tropical birds.
A Jockey is conceived when a midget with goblin blood in their ancestral lines and an average sized human mate. In nature when a horse and donkey mate the resultant mule is sterile, so too are Jockeys infertile.

A distant relative of the leprechaun, the Jockey displays the same love for gold; although given the choice they prefer a fresh garland of flowers to gold. For this reason the only time a jockey can be spotted in public is when racing atop a horse in various derbies, the lure of fresh flowers and gold is too much for them to deny.

Jockey’s are known to leap great distances in a single bound. For this reason they were thought to be magical in times past, it is now known that the Jockey simply has an overdeveloped ham string.

Although the Jockey is not considered a magical creature, their secluded nature and sharp pointed teeth have lead authorities to consider them potentially dangerous.

In recent years certain civil rights groups have lobbied for Jockey voting rights and insist that “the Jockey is just as human as the rest of us” but these activists have gained little traction in their efforts due primarily to the popular public service announcement of the late 80’s by pop-culture icon Tom Selleck “Don’t kid yourself. If a jockey had the chance he’d gnaw on you and everyone you care about”

It is recommended that should you cross paths with a Jockey you should immediately call Animal Control. You should not make eye contact with them as they are easily riled. If you are unsuccessful and the Jockey attempts to charge you or make contact with you they can be startled and kept at bay by throwing oats at them.

Darth Vader-husband, father, creepy stalker

K-so I'm not a Star Wars geek but to me there's nothing funnier than taking everyday situations and putting perhaps the most recognizable villain in them that is Darth Vader. So tell me what you thinking by adding something in the comment box.


Skit 1: What if Darth Vader didn’t die? (This would probably work best as a cartoon skit)
Scene: A little white house with a picket fence and a lawn. Luke and his father have moved to Tatooine to start their lives over. We see Luke sitting on the front porch sulking as Darth Vader wearing blue coveralls over his Black Vader suit and toting a rusty red lunch pail and blue coffee thermos opens the gate and walks up the path just home from work

Darth Vader: Hey, champ. Why the long face?


Luke: Nothing dad, I’m okay.


Darth Vader: Come on pal, Wanna talk about it? (Sits next to Luke on the porch)


Luke: No! I just hate the way I look


Darth Vader: Uh oh, sounds like girl trouble.


Luke: It’s just that girl Leia. I really like her but she doesn’t even know I exist. She only talks about that Han Solo.


Darth Vader: (under his breath, uh-oh) Well…uh…Luke you don’t need her. There are plenty of other girls out there. You’re so much better than her. Hey, who is the best at bulls-eyeing wamprats at 50 yards? You. Who saved Han Solo and Leia from Jabba the Hutt? You. Who brought me back to the good side? You. You don’t need her.

Luke: But she kissed me a couple years ago. Now she won’t give me the time of day

Darth Vader: Uh, Luke? I’m not entirely sure how to tell you this but…um…she’s your sister.




Skit 2: What if Padme hadn’t died?
Scene is set. We see through a window a woman curled up on an upholstered chair wrapped in a quilt reading a book by lamp light. On the wall of the sitting room hanging over the piano is a family picture containing Padme, her husband Obi Won (or Chewbacca) and her two 5 year olds Luke and Leiah.


The phone rings


Padme: Hello? Hello?

On the other end we hear Darth Vader’s signature breathing

Padme: Darth? Is that you again?

Breathing continues

Darth Vader: Uh-No.

Padme: Darth, I know it’s you.

Darth Vader: Uh-No,no. My name is uh, Allen. I’m calling to sell you a magazine subscription to…uh…Death Star weekly.

Padme: Darth, you can’t keep doing this. I got a restraining order on you. You need to hang up now or I’ll call your parole officer

The line goes dead



Skit 3: Darth Vader as a the Spokesman for a Pharmaceutical Company
This is a commercial for a new depression medication. The commercial flashes images of lonely sad people. One is walking alone on a beach; one is sitting by a window looking out into the night with tears welling up in her eyes; a graying man petting his dog on the head looking forlorn; and other such images. Darth Vader’s is the narrator and voice over for these images. His voice begins


Darth Vader: Hey there. Dark side got you down? Feeling like people just don’t understand you? Wonder if it’s really worth it anymore? Like maybe your decades of loyal service to the emperor were a waste? I mean, all you got was employee of the month once and on boss’s day you got a mug that says “Death Star’s best boss” from your employee’s. Ever feel like letting your tie-fighter just run off course and you don’t care which planet it runs into?

Now there’s help….
With Enlivador you can enjoy again all the activities you thought you’d never do again. Bike riding, spending time with friends and family, playing badminton with the Impirial Storm Troopers, joining Grand Moff Tarkin at the Star Bucks they just opened in the east wing of the Death Star that has the foamy lattes that you like so much

Enlivador is a once a day anti-depressent that increases hormone levels in the morning, afternoon, and evening to give you constant energy and virility throughout your day. And Enlivador isn’t even habit forming. 9 out of 10 patients reported an increase in energy, mood, and willingness to blindly follow the Empire's commands giving little thought to the ethical implications of blowing up whole planets... in as little as 2 weeks!
Enlivador isn’t for everyone so ask your doctor if Enlivador is right for you. Call our toll free number to receive a free month’s trial. Common side effects reported are dry mouth, irritability, diarrhea, feelings of light headed or dizziness, and in rare cases insomnia.

So join the millions out there who are finding new life through Enlivador. New Hope is once again possible. Enlivador can help.

Adventures in Wal-mart (or why we all hate Wal-mart but still shop there)

I created this blog because I'd love to be a comedy writer for a tv series or for a stand up comedian some day so this is my attempt at getting practice and getting feedback. I see odd things in life and like to report them from my point of view. If you decide to read it, tell me what you think, give suggestions. It'd be nice to develop this talent.

Why we hate Wal-Mart

A recent study showed that the average Americans number one fear is shopping at Walmart. Now for the last 50 years the number one fear of Americans was Public Speaking but now most people would rather speak in public, have a limb cut off ,or even suffer through another Will Ferrell movie before they'd go to Walmart.
I don't like going into Walmart. Hate it. It's the worst thing in the world. First of all when you pull in to the parking lot you have people in their cars circling the parking lot looking for the perfect spot. They're like vultures. The second they see backup lights on someones car they all swarm to the spot to get it. In the process they kill 5 pedestrians and total 3 cars. It's like going to a Monster Truck Rally, except you don't have to pay, there are no restraining rails, and even senior citizens are getting in on the action. And people don't know how to park at Walmart either so good luck getting a spot. Especially people with big trucks. People with big trucks are the worst parkers ever and they're proud of it. They jump out of their truck, find the nearest person and say "hey man, check out that sweet park job. She's a beaut' aint she?" "Oh yeah, yeah. No, it's totally normal to parallel park into 4 parking spaces. I mean it's not really a parallel parking spot, you just drive into it, but no, no your method is better." Of course people who drive big trucks, you can't expect too much from them anyway, you know? I mean, you can't set the bar too high for a guy who wears skin tight jeans, a belt buckle the size of a hub cap, and is missing 4 or 5 teeth. I mean you know his parents were cousins so you have to let him off the hook a little. Right?
After you finally find a spot you had better remember where you parked because they don't have parking stall numbers like Disney Land. It'd be awesome though if they did. You know like Wal-mart themed parking sections. "K honey don't forget we're in section 'Jim the Surly Greeter' 5th row 30th spot."

Wal-mart isn't a store that you go in to just to browse either. You've got to know what you want and where to find it because if you don't you're sunk. You can't ask the sales associates.

Have you ever tried to stop an associate in Wal-Mart? It's impossible. It's like they've got some sort of special Wal-mart standard issued sonar so that they can navigate through the store without helping a single customer. But even if you could catch one it doesn't make sense to ask the associates anything-they don't know where anything is. That's why they're the only store in the world where the associates don't rush up to you and say "is there anything I can help you find?" most of the time they're asking you where to find something. If I want to find anything in Walmart I ask the mother with a load of kids in her shopping cart, or the Hispanic people. Those people have the store mapped out, they've even been spotted climbing through the ventilation system in case there's a sale and they need to get to the front of the line quickly. Got the whole place mapped out. But the sales people? Forget it. I was walking down an aisle the other day at Walmart looking for tooth paste and I hear this employee say "Son of a B%*#@, Hey guys! Did you know we sell tupperware? I got to pick me up some of dat" His name tag said "10 years serving you" 10 years and he just discovered the tupperware.
Doesn't make any sense. I ran into a Wal-mart associate the other day, "Hey Man," I said, " do you know where the batteries are?" The dude came unravelled. He started crying and said "Man, my shift was over 3 days ago. I can't find my way out of here. Yesterday I had to go #2 in a corner over by sporting goods because I can't find the bathroom in this place."

One thing to watch out for in walmart is blind corners. I can't tell you how many times I've almost died trying to turn a corner in that place and some woman with 8 kids hanging off the side of the cart zoom by. All her kids pointed at me and laughed. You know how their website it says "Suggestions? Contact us" I wrote in "Install stop lights in that place!" Now that's an idea. Stop lights in Walmart. Then you can have one of their senior citizens patrolling the place with segways handing out tickets to people who run a red light.

And their lay-out makes no sense either. It's like if I want liquid hand soap I have to go to the far left of the store, it's over by the amunition. If I want the bar hand soap I have to make the 40 mile treck to the right side of the store. It's next to aluminum foils.

And if you lose a kid in there forget it, he's gone. In some states they start having you fill out waivers before you can shop there. "I hereby agree that should I lose any persons in the store I immediately forfeit them to the Walmart corporation and it's entities." A couple months later you spot your lost 5 year old kid wearing a blue apron with the Wal-mart logo and giving out free samples of cheese, of course now he's got a faded tattoo and when he talks you can't understand a word he says because he's picked up the habit of mumbling like the rest of his co-workers.

I think Wal-mart employees do have to have one qualification: they have to speak "PA system." None of the rest of us understand it but when we hear the PA system warning noise and then the voice speaks they all look up and seem to know exactly what she said. You see them nodding their heads "I couldn't agree more." What is that?
And the dressing rooms there are a joke. I think they use the dressing rooms for storage of overly large novelty bra's that no woman would ever buy, you know the ones with pink flamingos on them that are big enough the new kid they just hired is using it as a hammock. I mean whoever the buyer is for Walmart should be fired. Maybe he's thinking "In case of the apocolypse, people will be frantically looking for supersized bra's to use as shelter, and we'll have the market on them." But if you want to try something on and you ask the attendant she just looks at you blankly like she's never realized that those stalls behind her are for trying on clothes. If you have the good fortune to meet some employee who seems to realize they work at the fitting room they'll still not let you in. They say "dressing room hours are over. We're closed." Are you kidding me? A store that stays open 24 hours a day and you have to make special reservations to try on a T-shirt?

Anyway...just my thoughts